Wednesday, April 7, 2010

How to deal in the darkest times?

My situation mirrors yours almost to a "T". And it blows!

April will mark our two year anniversary of TTC and this February my sister (actually SIL. But we're that close) will give birth to her first. They got pg on the first try. That stung pretty hard.

My question(s) is:

Rachel. Was there anything you found therapeutic in your most darkest times? A devotional, verse, book, article, song, something someone said to you, etc...? I hate feeling sad/bitter/jealous/angry every time I hear of a new pregnancy. I want to be able to be truly and completely thrilled for that woman/family. But most the time/all the time I fake it. And later cry in the shower.

Melissa. Same question. Was there a verse, devotional, etc. that helped you, help your sister?

Thanks for the opportunity to ask questions. I'm glad your back!

Rachel’s Answer:

The best thing for me was having someone I could share myself with. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I needed to know I could spill my guts without any judgment. That was huge for me.

But that can also be tricky.

My friends were very supportive/loving during our journey, so I don’t want to take away from what they offered me, but many of them also went on to get pregnant during our struggles, or had gotten pregnant really easily before, which meant all the support in the world didn’t equal them really understanding (which was what I truly needed).

Once they were pregnant, it impossible for me to continue to share with them without causing hurt feelings.

Being that my sister is my closest friend, it made this difficult on our relationship as well. I wanted to share everything with her, but I had to protect her from the darkness that I felt, specifically towards people who were fertile and pregnant (all of which she is/was).

It was also difficult for those closest to me to NOT be the one I always went to. It was even harder for them that at times I went to complete strangers on the internet for support, simply because they "got" what I was feeling.

Do you have someone in your life that you can turn to that has gone through infertility before you?

If not, check with your church.

Just last week I wrote to the pastors at our church telling them to keep me in mind if they come across women going through IF. Wouldn’t you know the next day I got an email!

I want to be good news to those going through this dark time in their life. And I bet there are others around you who want to as well.

Another thing that used to “soothe” me was music. I would listen to certain songs as loud as I could make them without causing damage and I would let loose. I would yell and beg and cry out to God, tears would be pouring down my face and I would let it all go. Holding nothing back.

But afterward, I always felt better. Letting God know my deepest wounds, somehow made them ache less. Even if temporarily.

I tried to picture myself as a little girl, who fell and scraped her knee, running to my father to get comfort. The pain might last for another week, but having your daddy nearby somehow makes everything a little bit better.

The best song I can think of to recommend is “Stand in the Rain” by superchic. Trust me, you’ll love it.

Have you read the book “Hannah’s Hope” by Jennifer Saake? It was such a great book for me. It is written by a pastor’s wife who went through IF and adoption loss.

Every emotion she talks about, I experienced. And she was a Godly, Christian woman which made it so easy to relate to.

I really recommend you read it. If you can’t afford it, let me know I’ll buy it for you!

Lastly I highly recommend the book “Crazy love” by Frances Chan (same offer as above applies!) I didn’t read it while going through IF but I truly believe that falling deeply and madly in love with Jesus should be the #1 priority I our lives. This book did that for me and I know it has done it to many others.

It’s not a long book but it is life changing. I am learning joy in areas of my life that I didn’t even know I was missing! It is astounding.

Read it! :)

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. I am praying for the relationship between you and your SIL. May your love for your new niece/nephew over shadow your sadness for yourself. Though I struggled immensely with my sister being pregnant, loving on my niece and nephews brought so much comfort to my wounded heart.


Melissa's Answer:

I don't remember a specific verse or fact, I don't know of a book that helps a family member/close friend walk through the journey of infertility. BUT, what God taught me LOUD and CLEAR is that no matter WHAT was said to me or about me

or implied to me or about me

no matter how angry or cold Rachel may have seemed towards me (at times..not all the time)

this was NOT about me

this was about a much deeper battle that, despite seeming like it was aimed at me at times, had nothing to do with me

I was not the enemy

The inability to conceive was the enemy

As a family member/friend who CAN get pregnant, it is REALLY REALLY important to understand this

b.c once you understand it, you can handle the above mentioned things

you can let them be angry and hurt...even if it's in your direction, b.c you don't need to take it personally

The other thing that really helped me was to realize that I couldn't do anything to make it better.

I couldn't say anything to make it better

All I could do was listen


ask if I could ask questions...and be ok if she said no

It seemed that the more I allowed her to JUST BE when she was with me, the more natural it was

the less on edge she seemed

GRACE is a necessity when walking along side someone going through something so big

As someone who CAN have children easily, we MUST understand that we will NEVER understand what its like to WANT a child so badly....period.

At the same time, the person going through infertility must understand that, if not careful, they can REALLY hurt the people they love. And that the people they love, aren't the enemy. And they really DON'T understand what you are going through...not b.c they don't want to understand, but b.c they CAN'T understand.

it is SUCH a delicate road to walk

Please keep us posted on how you are doing! We will most definitely be praying for you!


osuraj said...

I would strongly recommend to anyone dealing with infertility that they see if RESOLVE has a local chapter in their area. It's a national organization that provides support to those going through IF. My husband and I (reluctantly) attended one of the monthly meetings when we started struggling, and the understanding and support we received was beyond anything we'd gotten before from people who didn't really understand what we were going through. Not are the group meetings therapeutic, we made lifelong friends in the process. I highly recommend looking into it! You can go on RESOVLE's website to see if there's a local group in your city.

Jenni / Jennifer Saake a.k.a. InfertilityMom said...

Thank you so much for mentioning Hannah's Hope as a resource. :) That's how I found you (when my Google key word alert triggered) and I love your approach to this blog! Shared you with my twitter followers @InfertilityMom a couple of days ago and posted your link to one of my blogs this morning. Will also be sharing your site one the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums (message boards). :)

Jan A said...

Intresting Blog! This particular entry was interesting to me, because I could relate to both sides in different ways, and reflect back on mine and my sister's relationship. When my IF journey (I am SI) began, it collided with my "Fertile Myrtle" sister starting the divorce proccess. So, she had the fertility that I so longed for, but I had the loving husband that she wanted. We were both in life shattering, misserable, unimaginable pain that each other could NEVER understand... No wonder a "little thing" turned into a 2 year fued!We lashed out at each other, but not because WE were each other's source of pain. I found "" (co-founded by Jenni Saake) shortly after our fued began. And theough HP (Hannah's Prayer), I found this blog... from a post by Jenni! :0) Thank you for both of you having such loving hearts and a desire to help BOTH sides of the fertility coin to "get" each other. You have blessed me today, and I'm quite sure you have blessed MANY COUNTLESS others as well!

hopefuls #1 said...

I just wanted to pop and say, you guys must of been reading my mind! I was just thinking how I hadn't read this blog in a while and I thought, well maybe there haven't been any updates. Now being here, I see, that I'm wrong! You guys are all over it! I've got to find you in my reader and get back to reading!

Thanks for always sharing your honestly feelings. It's so refreshing.