Have we always been so religious?

I used to be pretty religious. I grew up in a Lutheran church and would go every Sunday. I even taught Sunday school in my later high school days. When I went to college I fell away from church and have not really gone back. Every once in a while I go but it is not something I do on a regular basis. I struggle with trying to come to place in my life to know God and become a better person.

I guess my question would be have you both always been as religious as what you are now? If not, how did you come to know God the way you do?

Thanks so much.

Melissa’s answer:

I have been married to my husband, Bill for almost 11 years. However, the word marriage does not at ALL communicate with anyone what he means to me. In fact, to some people, it could communicate being bored, being unhappy, being bound to someone for the rest of my life.

However, I am sooo, head over heels, in love with him. I want to live my entire life knowing him better. I want to spend every minute of the day figuring out how to be better to him. How to serve him (b.c I love him…not b.c he asks me too). So, even though marriage fits our situation, I desperately want people to know that there is MORE to us than “just being married”

Well, it’s the exact same thing with my relationship with Christ. I could just copy and past the above paragraph to fit my relationship with Him!

I am sooo, head over heels, in love with him. I want to live my entire life knowing him better. I want to spend every minute of the day figuring out how to be better to him. How to serve him (b.c I love him…not b.c he asks me too).

All this to say that I actually don’t consider myself “religious”. I don’t feel at all that it communicates the desire and love and joy I experience from knowing Christ.

My relationship with Christ is NOT about rules (which religion often is). In fact, Christ broke ALL “the rules” when he was on earth. He taught us to love those who hate you and to take care of those who have nothing and to treat everyone equally…..not at all the rules implemented in those days.

However, I have not always been in love with Christ.
In fact, I use to be quite bored with the thought of anything “God related”.
I loved youth group b.c there were cute boys there
I liked church outings b.c there were cute boys there
I even liked being in the church choir at one point….b.c there were cute boys there
I have known OF Him all my life.
I have attended church all my life.
But, I didn’t always love him.

When I had been married a little over a year, things were realllly hard. I was not enjoying married life. I was not liking myself. I was pretty much just unhappy.

It was thru this time that I started to ask God to HELP me love him. To HELP me want to spend time with Him. To show himself to me in a way that I could understand.

Just a warning to you…when you ask these things of God….HE COMES THROUGH!! He completely has swept me off my feet. I LITERALLY can not live without Him.

I don’t just mean that I don’t WANT to…I mean I CANT. If I am on vacation and spend very little time with Him, I start to crumble apart.

HE is my life force….and it all started just by asking him to help me to know Him a little bit.

Don’t feel like you have to say certain things when you are talking to him, or act a certain way or be a certain person.

He ADORES you. He created you. And He will turn your life upside down if you just ask!!

Rachel’s Answer:
Thank you for your question. I love these kinds of questions the most.

First I want to address the question about if I’ve always been “religious”. The answer is no, I haven’t, and no I’m not. Religion is a following of traditions and rules, that’s my definition of it. I’m not religious. When people ask me what denomination I am I say, “Christian” and then I get a puzzled look.

Growing up we went to a covenant church, then moved and went to a Presbyterian, then moved and went to a Methodist, then in college I went to a Presbyterian again, got married and went to a Baptist church, now we’ve moved again and Joey and I go to a Methodist church. My dad is currently on staff at a Lutheran church. J How’s that for crazy?

I follow Christ. As long as we find a church we feel follows his teachings, we don’t care what denomination it is. So I can’t claim to be terribly religious, but I can say I am a person of faith

But even so, I have not always been so faithful.

I grew up in a very wonderful home, filled with Christians. My parents are amazing and they have always been strong believers. Faith was NEVER pushed on us, but they raised us with a great understanding of God and His love for us and they prayed we’d choose him for ourselves.

When I was 10, we moved to a suburb of Memphis TN. I started getting into things that a middle school girl shouldn’t even be exposed to and I used church as just another social network. I remember kissing boys (or more) in the back of the van on the way to a church camp.

When I was 14 I was pretty much ignoring God. I never doubted his existence, I just doubted that He cared about me and I didn’t feel the need to care about Him. To me, we just didn’t connect and I was ok with that. He had his world and I had mine.

The summer before I was going into 9^th grade I found out I was moving back to MN with my family. It was awful; I had everything going for me in my current school. I had a ton of popular friends, I knew lots of boys in the HS were waiting for me to come to their school so they could date me and I was on the Pom squad. We wore tiny little sexy outfits so the boys could gawk. I had it all.

Then something crazy happened. I was about to break up with a boyfriend, but he beat me to the punch (don’t you hate it when that happens?). I was pretty sad he broke up with me and as the weekend was approaching I didn’t have any plans. However, I found out all of my friends had planned to go to a movie without me. They all made up different lies about where they would be so I wouldn’t know. The reason they did this was because they wanted to set my ex boyfriend up with a girl in the group and of course I couldn’t be there.

When I found out I was humiliated. I felt like I fell from the throne, and suddenly my very secure place in life seemed anything BUT secure.

My mom arranged a “date” with another mom/daughter from our church to go to the mall. The daughter was my age but she went to a different school. Even though I didn’t know her I could guarantee she wasn’t drinking and messing around with guys. She was a “good” girl.

I realized that in comparing myself to her, I wasn’t that girl anymore. I had slipped so far from the person my parents raised me to be, that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Not only that, my place in life was up in the air. Was I still in this group of friends? What would happen if this friend ended up dating my boyfriend? Everything was a mess and I realized how empty I was.

Everything that mattered to me was taken away in an instance and that left me a nobody. And I felt so alone.

I went to a younglife camp just a few weeks later with all the so-called friends. We had a good time, but I spent a lot of my time with one of my leaders. She was in college and she was so cool. She reminded me so much of my sister who had moved 1000 miles away over a year earlier.

She talked a lot about her relationship with God and how important it was to her. I could hardly grasp what she meant by that, but I knew one thing: she seemed HAPPY. Not because she had a boyfriend, or great friends or great clothes… but because she had something more. Something I knew I was missing.

I wanted with everything in me to be like her. To have her complete sense of freedom from the pressures of life, to have such joy and contentment in the heart.

That week I listened to the speaker at camp talk about how each of us is so unworthy of God, the one who created us, because we have sin in our life. This struck such a nerve with me. I was unworthy, so very unworthy. I was ashamed of who I was to my parents, how could I ever face my maker?

The next night the speaker told us about what Jesus had done for us.

That he had come down to earth, left his throne to be spit on and mocked and abused, all for US. He was a KING and he left everything to walk in our shoes. Then he paid the ultimate sacrifice. He died on the cross, one that was made for thieves and he had done NOTHING WRONG. But while HE didn’t do anything wrong, I HAD! And you had and your neighbor and my neighbor.

Every person who’s ever walked this earth, aside from Jesus, has committed sins. Sin after sin after sin. And Jesus died on the cross and took on ALL OF OUR SINS. Every single thing I’ve ever done wrong, and will ever do wrong. Even my little Brighton’s sins were paid for on that cross, and he hasn’t even committed any yet!! But he will. I can say that with certainty.

I have to be honest with you. Now that I’m a mom, I’m not sure there’s one single person I could give the life of my child for. He is so important to me, that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even imagine entertaining the idea. It’s beyond my comprehension.

But God did that. He watched his son die on a cross and go from completely perfect to carrying the weight of the world. God couldn’t even look at his son; he was forced to turn his back. In the end of Jesus’ crucifixion he called out to God asking, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!”

God couldn’t even look at his own son because of the sins we committed.
And then he died.
For me.
For you.
And for all who don’t even believe in him.

And that I can’t ignore. I can’t walk away from that. I could never do enough to repay him, but the beauty is I don’t have to! He did it for free, for us.

I’m sure you know that just 3 days later Jesus was able to rise from the dead and he was pure and clean and cleansed of our sins. He walked around the earth for a few more months before going back to his place in heaven.

But all that he went through, and the sacrifice God made… even at 14 I just knew that I had fallen in love and couldn’t walk away.

I wrote in my journal that night at 14 years old “God I am yours. I don’t know what that means or how my life has changed, but I am yours and I feel the change inside me.”

I moved that summer and I have never been the same since. God has shown himself to me over and over again in ways I can’t deny. And each time I’m still in awe of that fact that he CHOSE ME.

So to answer your question, I haven’t always been this way, but from the moment it became real to me, I haven’t ever been the same.

If you haven’t ever done this, I urge you to speak to God. Tell him your fears, your concerns, but tell him you WANT TO KNOW HIM MORE. He will respond. In some way you will hear him. And it will be good.

How to tell an infertile family member I'm pregnant.

I'm wondering if you can provide any suggestions for how I can approach the following situation:

This past weekend I found out that my husband and I are expecting our first child. We are very excited and feeling very blessed (and surprised!) since this was our first month "trying." We were definitely not expecting it to happen this quickly, though we were also prepared for the possibility.

My sister-in-law (DH's sister) and her husband have been TTC for over a year. In early December she told me that her doctor is going to start her on Clomid and has reason to have high hopes that it will be successful soon. We're having trouble deciding what would be the best way to tell SIL that we're pregnant. I am very sensitive to how this will affect her and want it be as gentle as possible. We were planning to wait until 8 weeks or so to tell family, but don't know if it would be better to tell her sooner? They live out of state, so would it be better to tell her in person or over the phone so she has time to process it before we see them? I know she had a very difficult time dealing with the pregnancy of her other sister-in-law so am very aware that she could take this badly. I sincerely hope that she is able to get pregnant very soon and would be ecstatic if she tells us they're expecting before we get a chance to tell them!

Melissa's answer:
Your situation hits extremely close to home as this is where I was at almost 2 years ago. I found out I was pregnant with my FOURTH before Rachel had gotten pregnant with her first. She had told me a few months before this that if this situation were to happen, it would be the worst thing that could happen to her….

The mixture of joy and grief flooded me as my assuming turned to knowing when I saw the positive pregnancy test.

Here is how I handled the situation. To be honest with you, I have not asked Rachel if I could have handled it better…she may be able to add some other things.

First of all I prayed. Prayed prayed prayed. Mostly for Rachel. But, I also had to pray that I could be ok with the fact that I was pregnant. That I HADN’T done anything wrong by getting pregnant when she couldn’t (b.c this is the lie that kept nipping at me).

Then I asked a few select people to join me in prayer for her.

For me, I needed to tell her in person. I just knew it would be the best way…however, I KNEW (I have no doubt God warned me of this to ease the hurt on my side) that Rachel would ask me to leave after I told her. (she actually left the room and after awhile asked Joey to ask me to leave)

I will be honest that when I left I REALLY battled for a few minutes with anger….anger that she could be SO devastated by my news when this exact news for herself was exactly what she was grieving for. But, then….I just had sadness. For her. For me. For my baby. I prayed the whole way home (about a 40 minute drive). By the time I was home, I was tear soaked and heavy hearted…but I also felt hope. Somehow, I KNEW that where we were at that moment would not be where we would always be.

The next day Rachel wrote a very raw post on her blog…about how sad she was, how she couldn’t even believe she woke up. That the worst thing in the world had happened the night before….etc.

As you can imagine, this TORE my heart out. I was shaking as I read it. BUT, I can be totally honest when I say I was NOT angry. Just sad. We didn’t talk (except thru email in regards to work only) for 2 days (or almost 2…I can’t remember) and the entire time I prayed for her and spoke to my baby. I told him that he was soo loved and sooo wanted. =) (I had to do that…for my sake!)

Our story turned out wonderful as God was COMPLETELY involved on both ends…and as much as he gave me a grace for Rachel while she processed my baby’s life; He gave her a miraculous healing. Now, on my end I was still extremely cautious of what I said to her about my baby…but we WERE ok.

So, to start over:

-PRAY for her and you. Pray that her heart is protected and yours is FULL of grace

-Have others praying for both of you

-Don’t expect her to be happy or ok

-Expect her to need her space…and be ok with that

-DON’T feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong by being pregnant

-Be tender

I will be praying for you! Please keep us posted as to how the next few weeks/months go for you.

Rachel's answer:

First I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry that you even have to prepare yourself to deliver “bad news” to someone that should only be taken as good news. Being on this side of infertility, it pains me to think how badly I received pregnancy announcements from those I loved the most. And I feel I need to say on behalf of infertile women, I am sorry. We don’t mean to make this hard on you.

You’ve already read how my sister shared her pregnancy announcement with me. I can’t honestly say that’s my recommendation. I only wanted to hear something like this over email. So no one had to see my face, or hear my voice and know I was pained. However an email from my sister probably wouldn’t have been that great either and I think in our case, she handled it perfectly. But I can’t really say I think you should tell her in person.

However, if you feel that an email wouldn’t be the best way, I would suggest your husband talk to her husband (if they’re close enough). If not, then maybe your husband should tell his sister, over the phone.

If you’re planning on doing a group announcement, I beg you to tell her ahead of time. A few days or even weeks ahead of time. It’s not fair to lump them into that group as it will most likely ruin their day. And I’m sorry, I hate even writing that.

I know that this is the most joyous news you’ve ever gotten to give, and I am so excited for you. But I also know this will probably be the worst news she could receive this week (aside from a death). I can tell you that when I found out my sister was pregnant again (her second in the time we’d been trying), I wanted to die. If going to sleep and not waking up was an option, I wanted that option.

My heart felt broken and shattered and tramped on. Not by my sister, though unfortunately she was the vessel, just by infertility. And the unfairness of it all.

So as you go into this situation and you know she might “take it badly”, please be open minded to what she’s going through. The very thing you got to see on the first try, she has seen a negative for over 24 different times.

24, that’s a lot of months to get a negative test. And you never had to experience it (which is wonderful for you!!) but now she has something else to measure her loss against, each month she’s not pregnant, you’re 1 more month pregnant, and adorable, and closer to holding the very thing she wants so badly.

This is wonderful for you, and you should never feel otherwise, but I just hope you’ll truly take her feelings into consideration and let her grieve the way she needs.

This is not a fun situation, for either of you, and I’ll be praying for your relationship.

If you want to see my blog posting the day my sister told me she was pg go here
To see how God brought me full circle, just a few days later, go here

The ethics of IVF

I am on Clomid at the moment and if that doesn't work our next option is IVF. I noted you went through IVF and I wondered what your personal experience was with dealing with the ethics of IVF as a Christian?

I am hesitant to go down that path even a little way, as I'm not sure my desire to have a baby wouldn't be too tempting, and cause me to push aside my concerns about the embryos we would create in the process and what to do with them if we have 'spares'.

I completely understand where you're coming from! We struggled with the situation as well. We knew we would do IVF, we just worried about getting too many embryos. We told ourselves up front we would give life (or try to) to any embryos we made. And we just prayed we would be wise about our decisions and God would be in complete control.

We got 20 eggs. Easily that could have become 15-20 embryos. So we opted to only ICSI 12 and to let the other 8 try naturally (we have a sperm penetration issue so we knew we weren't going to get super lucky with all 8 fertilizing).

In the end we only got 4 embryos. Only 2 that made it to our 3 day transfer. So we had no frozen embryos.

But I have to be honest with you, when you hear how many embryos you have growing, there is an instant connection. They are your "children". So many women have said the same thing. You feel protective of them and you want the best for them. So I think it would be hard to disregard them, unless that's your stance going into it.

But for us no matter how hard pregnancy would be or how much it would cost, we promised we would give a fighting chance to any embryos we created. My husband and I believe that once the egg and sperm meet, life has begun and that wasn't up to us to decide what to do with those precious lives we created. We could never have given the ok to destroy them. It just wasn't an option for us. And now that we have our baby and we look at him and remember where he started, I'm not quite sure how people could see it any other way.

So pray pray pray through the process that God will guide you and the entire process. We felt 20 eggs was just too much of a risk. Obviously it didn't turn out that way for us, but we couldn't have known that going into it.

And I wouldn't go into the situation without complete peace that it's what God wants for you!

Rachel

"My sister is pregnant.. HELP!"

Question: I am not sure where to start or what really to ask, except thank you for sharing your thoughts....it seems to mirror exactly what my sister and I are going through right now.

My husband and I are struggling with infertility. My sister and husband are due soon. We have been trying for 2 years and they got pg right off the pill. They struggle with finances and we are fine.

I try very hard to be sincerely happy for them, and I am, however I can't seem to ask any questions. They just had an ultrasound and I do not want to see the pictures. I can't really ask any questions regarding the baby. I just don't know how to support her in my "fertility depression". My sister has expressed to me how difficult it is to ask or not ask about me. But also what she should say or not say regarding the baby. How did you two get through it?

The other hard thing is...... I really struggle with the baby's arrival date. I really don't want to be there b/c it will remind me/us of the fact that we can't have a baby right now. How sad is that? I do ask for God's help. Did you two live close to each other?

My final question is... how did your parents handle the delicate situation?

This one’s just from Rachel:

First off I’m so sorry that you have to have a situation so close to home that makes you ache. It was hard to deal with friends getting pregnant, but having my sister, my very best friend be pregnant was the hardest. Mostly because I hated who infertility made me, and I hated that I couldn’t be the sister I wanted to be for her. And I feared what it would do to our relationship. (But praise God he only made it stronger in the end!)

As far as asking her questions about her pregnancy, I’ve written about this more in detail in the post below, but try to ask what you can when you can. I found the few times I could step out of my selfishness to ask about a person I loved about what they were going through, was very healing for me. But if you can’t ever, then just pray your sister won’t hold it against you and she’ll forgive you.

I do believe there are times you need to protect your heart and take care of yourself. But I also know that you going through this is much harder on your family than you probably even know. It feels like it only hurts us, the childless one, but that’s not always the case. So try to open up to them and include them when you can. Even if it’s hard.

Also, while I’m sure she would love to share this time with you, I would also guess she sees where you’re coming from.

If this is your first niece/nephew, you probably don’t know yet what it feels like to be an aunt. But when my sister first had a baby, I felt like I had a baby!! Her kids felt so much like mine I didn’t know how to leave them at night to go home! So that was one thing I could carry with me through her pregnancies, no matter how much seeing her pregnant hurt, I KNEW without a doubt I would love her baby like he was mine. And I have! Every single one of them!

So as the due date comes, and you’re still struggling, try to hold on to the hope that your love for this baby will help take some of that pain away. I obviously can’t promise that, but it’s what happened for me. And I’ll be praying the same will happen for you.

About the financial aspect. I feel it necessary to touch on this statement. For years and years I judged my sister and their financial decisions. I always felt my husband and I made better decisions and because of that we had more money. And because we had more money we deserved to be the ones procreating, not them!

But the truth is weather I was right or wrong (and I of course was wrong in my thinking) it’s NEVER our place to judge each other. End of story. I had to remind myself of that time and time again. So the very fact that you mentioned it, leads me to believe you’re struggling with it. But the truth is, unless they need your help to survive financially, it’s really none of your business and certainly not your place to judge. I don’t in any way mean that to sound harsh! I’m simply telling you the things I had to tell myself in order to move past being in that judgmental place towards them and their finances.

And the truth is my sister and her husband had A LOT of unfortunate things happen to them that caused them to be in a different place financially. And my husband and I seemed to be blessed over and over in that department. So while we had plenty of money (emphasize HAD, we no longer do!J), we were infertile, but they were lacking in money (also emphasize were, they’re no longer in the same position) they had plenty of kids. So we both struggled with each other in those areas.

About being at the hospital or not. If you simply can’t be there then don’t be there. HOWEVER just remember that you will most likely want your sister there for you in all aspects when you finally are able to have a baby of your own. And sometimes it’s more important to put aside our selfishness for other people and for the good of a relationship.

I’m not telling you what to do, and I can’t possibly know what’s best in your relationship, but I do know that as much as infertility feels like “it’s all about us”. It’s not. Life still goes on for other people (as much as this hurts us!), and this is a joyous time in your sister’s life. And if you two are close like my sister and I are, no matter how much pain I was in, I wasn’t willing to let infertility and my own hurts come between us.

(Also, to answer the question, my sister and I lived about 40 minutes apart and saw each other usually once a week, if not more and spoke usually 5-20 times a day! lol..)

Also as your sister’s due date is coming up, please remember being a new mom might not be perfect for her as it is in our “fairy tales”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing, but it’s not always easy. For instance, she might struggle with PPD, or the baby blues, or just being overwhelmed. I encourage you to pray about having Grace for her through those things if she experiences them.

As someone who desperately wants to have a baby it’s easy to say and feel that others don’t have any right to complain, about anything, as long as they have a baby. But the truth is - being a new mom is hard and dealing with those hormones are yucky, and she might need you to be there for her, and if she does and you’re willing, you’ll need A LOT of Grace to be with her through that time.

As for the final question on how our families dealt with the situation, our mom has typed up something for you.

Your question is “how did we handle the delicate situation?” I’m not sure exactly what you are asking so I may not give you what you’re looking for but I will share as honestly as I can. You do sound like you are really trying to work through this and I hope your sister is too.

We truly believed God was in what was happening in Rachel and Joey’s life. That gave us hope that no matter what - it would be ok in the end. It wasn’t easy to watch and we had no idea how long they would have to wait but we also believed that no matter what they would have a child someday. No one was sick and no one was dying. We had a lot to be grateful for and we were.

It was however very difficult to watch Rachel’s struggle, affect her relationship with family members. Melissa had incredible unconditional love for her sister and without that I’m not sure where their relationship would be today. I know that love was a direct result from her going to God time and time again for the grace she needed to understand not so much what Rachel was going thru but how she was going through it.

We knew how Melissa felt and she accepted our support but Rachel didn’t seem to want that from us. She seemed to accept support from other “infertiles” as she would refer to other childless women and this hurt us. She was our child – the very thing she wanted in life – is what she was to us and yet she could not seem to accept our support. It was as if anyone going thru infertility automatically became her friend and we felt like we were on the outside. We did however have faith in Rachel and we believed she would allow God to work in her life to give her peace some day and she did.

I hope you continue to go to God with your hurts and fears and little by little trust that He will meet all your needs.

Barb

As a Christian who is struggling with infertility, I sometimes feel lost/overwhelmed in my prayers and devotions with God (not saying the right things, being redundant, not reading the most relevant verses, etc.).

For both sides, are there specific prayers you said (or still say), devotions and/or bible verses/passages that you read to help each of you through your journey? I'm eager to hear Rachel's answer as it relates the most to our situation; however I also know that Melissa's responses will be helpful as well.

Rachels Answer:

I can totally understand how you feel. There were times I was so miserably upset ALL I COULD DO was wail out to God and beg for my pain to be done.

I know it sounds silly and a bit mellow dramatic, but it’s true. Through my sobs of tears I would just beg God to make it better, in someway, shape or form. Sometimes that’s ALL I could get out. Just a few measly words. But short or long in prayer, he HEARS us.

Other times I would find songs that I could really relate to. Songs that seems to help me stand stronger. For instance “Stand in the rain” by Superchick was a HUGE one for me. You should hear it if you haven’t. I felt like it was written for me. It seemed to give me strength through the pain.

“Blessed be your name” by Matt Redman was one that every time we sang it in church I would just break down and praise God. It just spoke to me.

Another was “praise you in this storm” by Casting Crowns.

For me I feel that God speaks to me through music. I often feel a connection to God when listening to music. Sometimes the quietness of life distracts me, my mind tends to wander, so sometimes having songs in the background would help me focus. I’m not really sure why.

Often times when I would blog, I would listen to a song that would seem to give me strength, well not the song, but God using the song.

As for verses I have TONS that I have pulled out for you. But one of the main ones that helped me was this one:

“Be Strong and take heart and wait for the LORD” Psalm 27.14. I have it on a plaque on my desk where I could see it every day. It was a constant reminder that this wasn’t a “fair/unfair” game. It wasn’t a game at all, I was simply waiting for God’s good and perfect timing.

And you know what? Now that my baby is here, I can see so many reasons why THIS is the perfect timing. I know that doesn’t make your current pain more bearable, but I truly believe you’ll look back one day and be able to say the same thing.

Ironically I never really paid attention to the first half of that verse which is NOW a great verse for this season in my life “I would have despaired had I not believed in the goodness of the LORD”.

It’s so true. If I hadn’t had God, what would I have had? Just bitterness and misery. With my faith, at least I had hope and a promise that I could be secure in. EVEN though I still had pain.

Another quote that I often came back to was by C.S. Lewis:

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

In life there is pain. But that does NOT MEAN God isn’t here. Sometimes I needed to separate out in my mind the difference between pain and doubting God’s plan for me.

Here are the verses I pulled out for you. Some maybe not seem relevant to you, but they all had some significance for me. And some I just needed to remind me that there was MORE TO LIFE than going through infertility.

Philippians 4:6 (New International Version)
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:13 (New International Version)
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

1 Timothy 1:15 (New International Version)
15Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.

Psalm 62
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.
1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Psalm 61
For the director of music. With stringed instruments. Of David.
1 Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
2 From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3 For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
4 I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.


Psalm 119:36 (New International Version)
36 Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.

Psalm 119:50 (New International Version)
50 My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

1 Peter 2:24 (New International Version)
24He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

1 Peter 4:12-13 (New International Version)
12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

1 Peter 5:5b (New International Version)
All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."

Romans 2:1 (New International Version)

God's Righteous Judgment
1You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

Romans 4:20-21 (New International Version)
20Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

Romans 5:1-5 (New International Version)
Peace and Joy
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 8:18 (New International Version)
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Romans 14:8 (New International Version)
8If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Romans 15:13 (New International Version)
13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 2:20-21 (New International Version)
20I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

Ephesians 4
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:22-24 (New International Version)
22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Philippians 1:27 (New International Version)
27Whatever happens; conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel

Melissa's Answer:

Although I have not dealt with infertility, I have had my situations that have brought me to my knees. In tears, in anguish, in confusion and frustration, in fear and denial, in jealousy and bitterness. Through these times, when my mouth could not utter another single word in prayer, the thing God showed me was to sit.
Silently
In his presence

I can not even begin to express the healing power of silently sitting at his feet. Ready and willing to take whatever he will offer me b.c I know that what I have, what I am in living in at the moment will not do.

So, as you fight your way through this battle, please remember that even when you have nothing to give or anything to say…HE DOES.

Most of the verses I was going to share Rachel already has listed, but I have a few more:

James 1:2 Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trails of any kind b.c you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance

Philippians 3:8 In consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS, again I say…REJOICE!!

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, present your request to God. And the PEACE of God that TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus

(all emphasis is mine)

I have begun to know that peace of God…the one that makes NO SENSE what so ever to the human mind….and it started at sitting still in his presence.

Don't worry we're still here!

We're so sorry we haven't posted and we have about 8 pending questions. Unfortunately the end of Rachel's pregnancy was a bit crazy and now her baby is here and we have just been a bit busy with life.

We ARE going to answer your questions and keep this blog up, we appreciate your patience!

Rachel & Melissa

Overcoming selfishness.

How did you truly overcome your own selfishness so that you could actually be happy for your pregnant friends/relatives?

I'm afraid that my jealousness and own self pity is in reality making me not really happy for these people.

I find myself getting so anxious whenever I know I am going to be around one of my pg friends or family members.

Rachel’s answer:

How did I overcome my own selfishness? I didn’t. I’m sorry that’s not the answer you wanted to hear. But I didn’t “overcome” this while dealing with Infertility. It was a never ending battle that I faced every day. Each new announcement brought new trials, some were harder than others. But every time I had to fight through it because I wasn’t ok staying in that selfish place.

Why? Why didn’t I let myself stay in a selfish place?

There are many reasons. First and foremost, I believe that living in complete selfishness (no matter how much you might need it from time to time) but living there every day, day in and out with no plans/hopes of ever getting out, is sinful. God never intended us to dwell in that place. He WANTS us to move passed it. And he wants to be our source of strength.

Second, I believed that if I didn’t at least TRY to get away from complete selfishness, I was letting Infertility rule me. And I knew I was stronger than that, but more importantly I knew GOD was bigger than that and desired more for me.

And lastly, because I knew it would hurt relationships. The amount of time I spent there no doubt already did hurt friendships, but thankfully only temporarily.

So even though I initially answered I didn’t overcome it, I was always working towards that.

A very close friend of mine got pregnant last year and I needed a break. From her. No doubt that was REALLY hard for her, but I knew in my heart I was not in a place where I could talk to her every day and NOT ruin our friendship. I felt it was better to just take a break. So I asked her for that and she allowed it. I know that had to have hurt her, but I am grateful she was willing to push aside her own hurts and allow me the thing I needed.

As with every announcement, my first instinct was sadness, anger and bitterness. This stemmed from my own self pity. I was angry with our own situation. I was angry that I couldn’t be happy for people I loved and I was angry that they got pregnant when that’s all we wanted, for so long.

But I prayed, and I prayed and I prayed. I also had others praying for me. And eventually I would start to see the light again. Sometimes days later, sometimes months later, but it always came, even if for only a brief time.

When I did see that light, I would praise God for small steps in the right direction and I would ask my friend/family member about their pregnancy. It’s amazing what you can do in the power of light that darkness takes away from you. In the dark I could NEVER have brought myself to ask simple questions like “how are you feeling?” or “when are you due?” But when those small glimpses of light came out, I would power through and ask those questions.

Because that’s what a good friend does and I wanted desperately to be that person.

And then the darkness would often creep back over me and I couldn’t ask anything for a while.

It was a constant cycle. Some light, then dark, some light, then dark.

In those very rare times that I could truly set aside my own selfishness, I took advantage and showed my friend/family member that I did care.

I don’t know if it ever meant much, or even was noticeable to those around me, but I noticed it. And there is something so empowering about being able to push aside your own self pity and focus on someone else.

Even if those times are rare.

As far as spending time with pregnant friends... sometimes I avoided it if I could. Other times I just made frequent trips to the bathroom while with them (which sadly meant I was taking sob breaks).

If your friends know what you’re going through, I really encourage you to share with them that sometimes you might need to cancel plans with them, or need to not ask them about their pregnancy for a while.

I know I have amazing people in my life, but I always took that time to lay it out. And I was never once made to feel shameful for it.

And the times I did spend with a pregnant friend, you can be sure I went in with a lot of prayer. Because I knew that I had the potential to get nasty and angry and bitter. And I never wanted that. Prayer is a powerful thing. And without it, Satan feels the need (or even invitation) to make himself known. So pray against that! Rebuke Satan every chance you get.

As always, if I haven’t answered your question like you were hoping, please feel free to email me again.

Melissa’s answer:

Being pregnant two times while Rachel was trying caused us to deal with this exact situation in great depth. As much as she had to battle her selfishness, I had to battle mine too.

I, of course, had every “right” (there is that word again!) to talk about my baby, how I was feeling, what I was excited and anxious about.

Rachel asked me very specifically to NOT talk about these things with her. Was this an easy request to hear? Absolutely not. It was not my fault, after all, that she could not have a baby. It was not my fault that I could. So, why should I have to be “punished” so to speak?

Of course, these thoughts came into my head for about 5 minutes and then I started to attack them with prayer. I was NOT ok with staying there. I was not ok with putting my needs above Rachel’s.

Were her needs ok to ask of me? I have no idea…but that wasn’t the point. As Rachel said, living and staying in selfishness is NOT ok. So….I turned to God for his strength. His healing. His grace.

I loved Rachel too much to allow her “selfishness” to turn me to selfishness, thus causing a tear in our friendship. As hard as this situation was, I was very grateful that she was honest with me. It did our relationship much more good…no matter how hard it was to hear…than if she had just “pretended” all was ok.

From this “side” of things I have to say that it will probably not be easy for you to be around your pg friends. You will probably always get a bit of a knot in your stomach when you are. BUT, what will make it easier?

1. Start the process of handing over the selfishness to your Heavenly Father*
2. TELL your friend(s) how you are feeling. But make sure they know that you are not saying this to hurt them…but to protect your friendship.
3. And give them some time to digest what you are saying. It can not be expected that they will hear any of this and say “no problem!”…they will most likely need to process through it. Give them that space. AND PRAY
   

*If anyone who is reading this does not know the amazing love and security of Christ….please talk to us. If you are interested in letting him become your savior….please talk to us! If you just don’t understand and have questions about who he is…talk to us!! It is THRU him that we have come through this healthy, happy and stronger than ever.