Tuesday, April 6, 2010

now that Rachels a mom....from Melissa's point of view

I apologize that I have not answered this yet!

As the sister that can get pregnant with apparently no troubles, I had to fight VERY much the lie that I was doing something wrong by having my family.
After baby #3 I might have chosen not to have any more kids just for the sake of Rachels heart...but to be honest with you, it would have been for my sake just as much. The thought of being done with my family, when I may not be ready to be done, seemed worth not ever having to deal with telling my sister that I was pregnant...again...and she wasn't.

As you may know, this was not be the case. I found out I was expecting my 4th shortly after Rachel had told me that the worst thing that could ever happen to her would be if I were to get pregnant again.

Needless to say, this was an exhausting, trying, emotional time in our relationship. I was hurt (not intentionally) many times, in may ways. It started to feel as if my children weren't "miracle" children b.c I didn't have to try really hard to have them.

However, God did an amazing job of protecting my heart and our friendship. It may seem silly that MY heart needed protecting being that I was able to have my kids easily...but protection is needed anytime one is close to a situation that causes grief...as grief spreads to all around it.

Being that I was leading the life that Rachel so desired, her grief held on tight to me. From the fact that my best friend was hurting SO bad to the things that were spoken to me or of me....
I wasn't angry and completely by the grace of our amazing God had more compassion for her than hurt for myself. After all, I felt nauseated (on her behalf) at the thought of never being able to have my own children.

The one thing I really did struggle with was wondering if everything that had happened, all the hurtful things said or insinuated in my direction would just suddenly "go away" once she was able to have a baby.
My concern was that I would find a chip left lingering on my shoulder if this was the case. I was afraid I would find myself thinking things such as "Now that YOU have a baby, life is good and it is once again ok for me to talk about MY babies" etc.
This thought scarred me to the core
I was NOT going to allow myself to get bitter and angry over such a sad, unfortunate, undeserved situation like her not being able to have children.

So, I prayed against this
And as I prayed against this for myself
at the same time, I saw Rachel praying against her own bitterness and anger
and I saw something happening
she was becoming at peace
she was becoming content
her whole existence did not rest in the ability to have or not to have a baby...
but in her Creator

the hurtful things said or implied were becoming farther and fewer between
it no longer felt like SHE was the only person in the world struggling with something hard in her life
she was becoming transformed

and the beautiful thing was that all of this happened a significant time before she ever got pregnant

SO, by the time she was pregnant, it was just PURE JOY!! For all hearts
And now that she is a mom.....it only continues.

Rachel has been a very humble mom, never acting like she knows it all or has it all figured out...She often asks me my advice or my opinion
This is not necessary, and I certainly don't have it all figured out either, but the fact that she has approached this gift she waited so long for with such humility and absence of pride makes being a mom along side her nothing short of fantastic.

But the thing that has changed for ME is my extreme sensitivity towards woman who SO badly want to have children and can't (or can't without lots of work and money). My heart breaks and I find myself praying OFTEN!! It has also caused me to be even MORE grateful for the 5 little gifts I have been blessed with!

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