Me vs. You

Judging a friend going through Infertility

2010-11-20T07:01:00.000-08:00

**this post has been edited to add Melissa's response**

Question:
I'm in need of some dire help. I have a very close friend who is struggling with infertility. It is to the point where the struggle seems to have literally consumed her. All she seems to think about is having a child. I've tried talking to her and encouraging her, but she doesn't seem to appreciate it. It's like anything I say or do isn't right no matter what I try.

Part of my problem with helping her, though, is that they aren't really doing anything about the problem. My friend says she really wants a kid but doesn't want to "put the money where her mouth is". They say they don't have money to spend on doctors or adoption, but then they go off and travel around the world, take vacations, go to concerts and other events, etc.

Those things are all fine and dandy but if you're consumed with having a child, shouldn't your financial priority be just that? And if you can't afford doctors or adoption, don't they realize that kids are going to cost even more??? Last I was informed, my friend was going to an OB that specializes in infertility but had just done some of the basic tests for her. I don't think the doctor is all that great since it sounds like she's done more of the old style testing and not focusing on the real health issues. And I doubt that they've had him tested yet. I'd like to help her out more, but if they're withholding information (which is their right), than what am I supposed to do and how can I effectively help?

Lately, my friend has even been saying that she's not even interested in adoption any more. She just wants her own biological child. While I can understand that desire, I would think that at least a child would satisfy some of the longing. I have some other friends who have adopted and absolutely love the kids more than many biological parents and their own kids. Wouldn't it be best to put all of one's love and devotion into a kid whether biological or adopted?

My other concern for my friend is that she seems to be struggling greatly with her faith. I think at times that she turns her back on God. I think her covetousness for a child is driving her crazy and taking her away from God. She can't be around pregnant women or newborn babies. She gets upset when friends (or anyone for that matter) announce their pregnancies. It's like the jealousy has consumed her as well.

From Rachel:

I have been trying to figure out a kind and gentle way to reply to you. Unfortunately I haven't come up with anything. So here goes:

Stop judging your friend.

Until you have walked in her shoes you have no right to judge what she is going through, She is grieving and when you are grieving, no one can tell you how long it will go on for. With IF you aren't letting time heal, in fact it's quite the opposite. Time only makes it worse because more people have gotten pregnant and more people have had babies and you've wanted a child even longer. The pain grips you to the core, in a way you can't even fathom if you haven't been there.

You need to cut her some slack or stop being her friend. If I were in her place, you are the last kind of friend I would have wanted around me. People know when they are being judged and your advice most likely comes off as insensitive and not genuine.

As for how they are spending their money. First of all is that really your business? Second of all, you have no idea how much money they might spend on recreational things. A spendy vacation could be quite cheap with vouchers and time shares. Concerts can be as well if you buy extra and sell them for more, covering the cost or even making money.

And going through treatments isn't exactly the cost of a vacation or concert. We spent $42,000 to get our son. And we are going on $25,000 for #2.

Having a baby costs money, but NOTHING in comparison to what it can cost to simply achieve the goal.

About her not wanting to adopt anymore. Can you not possibly understand that some people aren't ready to take in another person's child? Or go through the heartache of being chosen and then unchosen, or not being chosen at all? We have gone through the adoption process 2 times now and it is GRUELING. Much more so than any treatments we have gone through. It is also often more expensive than treatments.

Unless you have had the choice of carrying a child taken away from you, I would suggest you stop deciding what she should and shouldn't do. If heaven forbid you went through IF I promise you that you would come back weeping and begging for forgiveness from your friend for your judgment towards her. I know this, because I have had to do it.

As for her faith, you are probably right, it is probably struggling. That doesn't mean that God doesn't still have a hold on her. During my darkest times, my family feared for my faith and yet it was then that God was doing the most work in me.

Pray for her. Pray with her, but seriously, please stop giving her advice. If she wants it, she will ask for it.

This is probably the hardest thing your friend will ever have to go through. Stop trying to make it better and come up with solutions. Because you just can't know how it will end or how much it will cost, or how much heartbreak she will endure. If she needs help, please have her email us, we would be happy to walk through this with her.

My suggestion for you is maybe stop being friends for a while. It seems maybe her situation is too much for you to handle and I simply cannot fathom that you are doing her much good as a friend.

Take a break and cut her some slack.

Rachel

From Melissa:

I think that if/when you TRULY love someone, you get to a place where you would do ANYTHING for this person.
This is easier said than done....but CAN be done.

Sometimes the THING that you must do is to be quiet and present all at the same time.
It doesn't matter what the situation is of another person (IF, loss of spouse, divorce, financial ruin, terminal illness, severed relationships, etc) UNLESS it is OUR situation, we have absolutely NO place to judge

the Bible is very clear about this
Luke 6:37
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is to watch someone who seems to be "slipping" in their faith, so to speak, but WE can not save them anyways.

If you TRULY love this friend, which I am assuming you do since you are seeking out advise on how to walk through this with her, then pray that you can stop judging her.

The Bible talks about laying down your life for someone.....which means be willing to put all your needs and opinions and thoughts and comforts aside for the one you love.
When Rachel initially went through IF, she wasn't always nice to or at me....it wasn't b.c she didn't love me and she certainly didn't mean to hurt me...but she did. And God showed me how to lay my life down for her.
It wasn't easy
But it worked
I stopped expecting anything from her
I started showing her I hurt WITH her FOR her
I stopped judging her (b.c I did!)
I was ok with the times she was hurtful KNOWING she, in no way, MEANT to hurt me

If these things are not worth doing for your friend, which may be the case...then I agree with Rachel. Maybe the friendship needs to end.

But no matter WHAT...please please please commit to praying for her! For her healing, for her family to grow, for her to see Christ like she never has before, for so many things.

Melissa

When to go to the dr?

2010-05-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

I have a question for Rachel. How long were you married before you realized that you were infertile? At what point did you go see a doctor, and did they diagnose you as being infertile?

My husband Joey and I were married almost 2 years before we decided to start trying for a baby. I tried not to get my hopes up and reminded myself frequently it can take a year for a couple to get pregnant. So we tried and tried and tried and tried. And we did pretty good at not getting too frustrated through that first year.

We disagreed a little bit on the month we actually started "trying" (we agree now :). So because of that it took us a while to finally see a Dr. We had been trying about 17 months when I finally went to see my OB. We did some basic tests on him and I and everything came back "normal".

She recommended we go to see a reproductive endocrinologist. That took a while to get into so by the time we saw him we had already been trying 20 months.

Things happened the way they did, but I would definitely recommend people see a dr at a year. Obviously there is always a chance that you may still get pregnant on your own, but at that point, the chances are greater you will need help than that you will get pregnant on your own.

We were paying for everything out of pocket so we opted not to have any of the tests previously done repeated. Which ended up being a mistake. After we did our first IUI we found out DH had some pretty major sperm problems. Problems that were too advanced for our smaller OB's office to see during their tests.

In the end we wasted time and precious money on treatments that weren't going to get us pregnant.

We were diagnosed with male infertility almost 2 years after we started trying. We knew at that point that IVF was going to be our only options (short of a miracle of course!). So we had decided to pursue adoption. In the end adoption didn't work for us either and we ended up going back to IVF which is what brought us our son.

If you have been trying a year, or close, I would make an appt to see a RE. If you need to see an OB to get a referral than do, but I would really recommend going straight to the RE. Most people who spend any amount of time with an OB first, will agree that starting with the RE makes the most sense. They are specialized in getting people pregnant. Most OB's only have "some" training in the dept.

Good luck!

What to do on Mother's Day?

2010-05-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

Occasions like this are hard to know what to do. If you have a friend who is struggling to get pregnant, has maybe had a miscarriage, or lost a child in another way, you may wonder how to treat occasions such as today.

My advice is acknowledge it. Don't let it pass pretending it won't hurt. Don't let them think there is just one more reason they don't get celebrated on a day like today.

Send them an email, a card or even a text telling them you are thinking of them, praying for them and celebrating them today.

I wouldn't advise doing it openly in a public place. Even a quick statement with a hug at church can be hard because it might set them off in tears and be embarrassing.

So be careful how and when you do it, but do it.

Acknowledge them for wanting so badly to have what so many are celebrating today: motherhood.

Remind them that you care and you know they would make an amazing mother.

How to deal in the darkest times?

2010-04-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

My situation mirrors yours almost to a "T". And it blows!

April will mark our two year anniversary of TTC and this February my sister (actually SIL. But we're that close) will give birth to her first. They got pg on the first try. That stung pretty hard.

My question(s) is:

Rachel. Was there anything you found therapeutic in your most darkest times? A devotional, verse, book, article, song, something someone said to you, etc...? I hate feeling sad/bitter/jealous/angry every time I hear of a new pregnancy. I want to be able to be truly and completely thrilled for that woman/family. But most the time/all the time I fake it. And later cry in the shower.

Melissa. Same question. Was there a verse, devotional, etc. that helped you, help your sister?

Thanks for the opportunity to ask questions. I'm glad your back!

Rachel’s Answer:

The best thing for me was having someone I could share myself with. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I needed to know I could spill my guts without any judgment. That was huge for me.

But that can also be tricky.

My friends were very supportive/loving during our journey, so I don’t want to take away from what they offered me, but many of them also went on to get pregnant during our struggles, or had gotten pregnant really easily before, which meant all the support in the world didn’t equal them really understanding (which was what I truly needed).

Once they were pregnant, it impossible for me to continue to share with them without causing hurt feelings.

Being that my sister is my closest friend, it made this difficult on our relationship as well. I wanted to share everything with her, but I had to protect her from the darkness that I felt, specifically towards people who were fertile and pregnant (all of which she is/was).

It was also difficult for those closest to me to NOT be the one I always went to. It was even harder for them that at times I went to complete strangers on the internet for support, simply because they "got" what I was feeling.

Do you have someone in your life that you can turn to that has gone through infertility before you?

If not, check with your church.

Just last week I wrote to the pastors at our church telling them to keep me in mind if they come across women going through IF. Wouldn’t you know the next day I got an email!

I want to be good news to those going through this dark time in their life. And I bet there are others around you who want to as well.

Another thing that used to “soothe” me was music. I would listen to certain songs as loud as I could make them without causing damage and I would let loose. I would yell and beg and cry out to God, tears would be pouring down my face and I would let it all go. Holding nothing back.

But afterward, I always felt better. Letting God know my deepest wounds, somehow made them ache less. Even if temporarily.

I tried to picture myself as a little girl, who fell and scraped her knee, running to my father to get comfort. The pain might last for another week, but having your daddy nearby somehow makes everything a little bit better.

The best song I can think of to recommend is “Stand in the Rain” by superchic. Trust me, you’ll love it.

Have you read the book “Hannah’s Hope” by Jennifer Saake? It was such a great book for me. It is written by a pastor’s wife who went through IF and adoption loss.

Every emotion she talks about, I experienced. And she was a Godly, Christian woman which made it so easy to relate to.

I really recommend you read it. If you can’t afford it, let me know I’ll buy it for you!

Lastly I highly recommend the book “Crazy love” by Frances Chan (same offer as above applies!) I didn’t read it while going through IF but I truly believe that falling deeply and madly in love with Jesus should be the #1 priority I our lives. This book did that for me and I know it has done it to many others.

It’s not a long book but it is life changing. I am learning joy in areas of my life that I didn’t even know I was missing! It is astounding.

Read it! :)

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. I am praying for the relationship between you and your SIL. May your love for your new niece/nephew over shadow your sadness for yourself. Though I struggled immensely with my sister being pregnant, loving on my niece and nephews brought so much comfort to my wounded heart.

Rachel

Melissa's Answer:

I don't remember a specific verse or book...in fact, I don't know of a book that helps a family member/close friend walk through the journey of infertility. BUT, what God taught me LOUD and CLEAR is that no matter WHAT was said to me or about me

or implied to me or about me

no matter how angry or cold Rachel may have seemed towards me (at times..not all the time)

this was NOT about me

this was about a much deeper battle that, despite seeming like it was aimed at me at times, had nothing to do with me

I was not the enemy

The inability to conceive was the enemy

As a family member/friend who CAN get pregnant, it is REALLY REALLY important to understand this

b.c once you understand it, you can handle the above mentioned things

you can let them be angry and hurt...even if it's in your direction, b.c you don't need to take it personally

The other thing that really helped me was to realize that I couldn't do anything to make it better.

I couldn't say anything to make it better

All I could do was listen

pray

ask if I could ask questions...and be ok if she said no

It seemed that the more I allowed her to JUST BE when she was with me, the more natural it was

the less on edge she seemed

GRACE is a necessity when walking along side someone going through something so big

As someone who CAN have children easily, we MUST understand that we will NEVER understand what its like to WANT a child so badly....period.

At the same time, the person going through infertility must understand that, if not careful, they can REALLY hurt the people they love. And that the people they love, aren't the enemy. And they really DON'T understand what you are going through...not b.c they don't want to understand, but b.c they CAN'T understand.

it is SUCH a delicate road to walk

Please keep us posted on how you are doing! We will most definitely be praying for you!

now that Rachels a mom....from Melissa's point of view

2010-04-06T11:49:00.001-07:00

I apologize that I have not answered this yet!

As the sister that can get pregnant with apparently no troubles, I had to fight VERY much the lie that I was doing something wrong by having my family.
After baby #3 I might have chosen not to have any more kids just for the sake of Rachels heart...but to be honest with you, it would have been for my sake just as much. The thought of being done with my family, when I may not be ready to be done, seemed worth not ever having to deal with telling my sister that I was pregnant...again...and she wasn't.

As you may know, this was not be the case. I found out I was expecting my 4th shortly after Rachel had told me that the worst thing that could ever happen to her would be if I were to get pregnant again.

Needless to say, this was an exhausting, trying, emotional time in our relationship. I was hurt (not intentionally) many times, in may ways. It started to feel as if my children weren't "miracle" children b.c I didn't have to try really hard to have them.

However, God did an amazing job of protecting my heart and our friendship. It may seem silly that MY heart needed protecting being that I was able to have my kids easily...but protection is needed anytime one is close to a situation that causes grief...as grief spreads to all around it.

Being that I was leading the life that Rachel so desired, her grief held on tight to me. From the fact that my best friend was hurting SO bad to the things that were spoken to me or of me....
I wasn't angry and completely by the grace of our amazing God had more compassion for her than hurt for myself. After all, I felt nauseated (on her behalf) at the thought of never being able to have my own children.

The one thing I really did struggle with was wondering if everything that had happened, all the hurtful things said or insinuated in my direction would just suddenly "go away" once she was able to have a baby.
My concern was that I would find a chip left lingering on my shoulder if this was the case. I was afraid I would find myself thinking things such as "Now that YOU have a baby, life is good and it is once again ok for me to talk about MY babies" etc.
This thought scarred me to the core
I was NOT going to allow myself to get bitter and angry over such a sad, unfortunate, undeserved situation like her not being able to have children.

So, I prayed against this
And as I prayed against this for myself
at the same time, I saw Rachel praying against her own bitterness and anger
and I saw something happening
she was becoming at peace
she was becoming content
her whole existence did not rest in the ability to have or not to have a baby...
but in her Creator

the hurtful things said or implied were becoming farther and fewer between
it no longer felt like SHE was the only person in the world struggling with something hard in her life
she was becoming transformed

and the beautiful thing was that all of this happened a significant time before she ever got pregnant

SO, by the time she was pregnant, it was just PURE JOY!! For all hearts
And now that she is a mom.....it only continues.

Rachel has been a very humble mom, never acting like she knows it all or has it all figured out...She often asks me my advice or my opinion
This is not necessary, and I certainly don't have it all figured out either, but the fact that she has approached this gift she waited so long for with such humility and absence of pride makes being a mom along side her nothing short of fantastic.

But the thing that has changed for ME is my extreme sensitivity towards woman who SO badly want to have children and can't (or can't without lots of work and money). My heart breaks and I find myself praying OFTEN!! It has also caused me to be even MORE grateful for the 5 little gifts I have been blessed with!

How are things different now that Rachel is a mom?

2010-01-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

Now that Rachel is a mom, how have things changed (feelings toward others, towards each other)? Rachel-feelings about pregnancy announcements, seeing pregnant women...you know, all the fun IF feelings! Melissa-maybe some relief, worry about next time? ( I don't want to answer for you...just trying to better explain the question being asked!)

Rachel's answer:

Wow, this is a good question. I am only one person and I know for a fact that not everyone feels the way post IF that I have felt, so keep that in mind.

Also it was VERY intentional on my part to get to this point. It was a constant struggle through our journey between feeling sorry for myself and knowing that I didn't have the right. I didn't want to hold onto our pain and let it affect me the rest of our lives. I only wanted to hold onto the positive gains of it, and not the negative.

I will NEVER forget what it feels like to deal with IF, but it hasn't ruined me, it has only made me stronger. Here is a post I wrote on my personal blog about it. I hope it answers this question.

It was written in December of 2009.

I am currently finishing up a Beth Moore bible study on Daniel, Thankfully! I won’t lie, it has been a very challenging study for me. It is simply too historical for me! I struggled with history in school and dealing with facts and names and dates and deaths and all that junk…. so now to do a bible study that is so heavily history based, it has been a little over my head and *ahem* boring for me…. But I have endured through it and thankfully this week is the end of the 12 week study!

I have of course taken some things away from the bible study and one thing I have been wanting to write about for a while was the title above.

If you aren’t familiar with the book of Daniel (or just need a refresher), in chapter 3, Daniel’s three friends were thrown in a furnace for refusing to bow to the King’s idolatrous statue. I love this portion of the scripture:

Verses 16:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

They were SO SURE of the God they served that even in the face of DEATH, they refused to bow to another god. And they knew 100% their God COULD save them, if he chose to. But they also knew there was a possibility He would have other plans and choose NOT to save them. And their faith still stood strong.

But in the end God DID save them!

“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.“

They were left for dead in a blazing furnace and not only did they live, their clothes were untouched (though amazingly you read later their BONDS were broken!), they were unharmed and they didn’t smell like smoke!

They lived through this horrifying experience and yet if you had walked up to them ten seconds later, you would never have known because they didn’t even smell like smoke. There would have been no inclinations to what they had faced previously.

This is how I want to live in regards to our Infertility.

God no doubt used our struggle in so many ways to change me and stretch me, to show me how much I needed him and to even give me Joy through our struggles in HIM.

All of that was just some of what I was given while going through the hardest thing I’d ever had to face.

I had my yucky times (more than a few!), I had my challenges and struggles, I had heart-break and despair. I had anger and jealousy and bitterness. I had it all!

God saved me from that yuckiness, he broke my bonds free and I was finally lifted out of the furnace.

But God gave me the best gift of all just a few months after I became pregnant.

He removed any smell of smoke from me!

If you met me just 4 months into my pregnancy and hadn’t read my blog, you might never have known what I had gone through to get there. I didn’t have leftovers from our experience stanking up everyone’s space!

And I praise Him for that because NOTHING in me wants to go through what I did to get here, and then walk around making sure everyone knows it!

NOTHING makes me want to cling to our experience like some sort of badge of honor.

If Shad, Rack and Benny could face DEATH for their God and not even smell like smoke afterward, surely I don’t want to have gone through something as small as Infertility and feel the need to make sure everyone around me knows what I had to go through!

It has been a year since my son has been born, we have not protected once in that time and I am not miraculously pregnant. We are currently $10,000 in debt for a future baby that most people can have for free and I have been knee-deep in paperwork simply to expand our family.

I have been asked questions about how I plan to discipline and how will I prove to a mother that I won’t favor my biological son over her child, I have been questioned on my families views on adoption and how open they might be, I have been fingerprinted and background checked, I have had to show everyone and anyone that I am worthy of being given a child, when most people in this world get to just have one, whether they want one or not.

And you know what?

I don’t care!!

I am glad to go through this and spend insane amounts of money for my children if needed. I am glad to go through the longer route to find them, I am glad to have to go to seminars and read books and take classes to bring home another child.

Because this is the path God chose for me.

And I will walk it joyfully and prayerfully without smelling like smoke!

I don’t need people to hear my story. If they want to know, fine! If it helps them in their journey, great! But I don’t need it to be told. I do not want to have this badge of honor called “Infertility (aka poor, poor me…)” strapped to my chest for all to see.

God has chosen to save me, and I don’t want to hold onto any earthly rights I think I may have, simply because I took longer to get here.

Moving on, the truth is that VERY RARELY do I feel jealous or upset when I hear of a pregnancy announcement or a birth. Generally I feel just like I did before I went through IF. Which is amazing!

However I would be lying if I said I never felt a slight sting. But Praise God it is only that, a slight sting that I feel for a moment and it's gone.

Please forgive us

2010-01-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

It has been too long since we have been to this blog, or even the inbox with questions. We didn't really intend to take a break, it just sort of happened. Every time we get an email and spend time praying through an answer, it takes a lot out of us. So I think after we got going on the blog, we just needed a mental and spiritual break.

But we are back, and hoping to keep going with this blog. Thank you for those with questions and comments. We still plan to get to each one!

Just an update on our lives:

Melissa has had her 5th and final (bio) baby in October, Tad. She had her tubes tied and is done with pregnancy. Her children are so amazing, each and every one. They are hoping to adopt a sibling group in the future, but for now are raising their wonderful and crazy kids one day at a time :)

Rachel's son Brighton is 14 months old and is such a joy every day. They are 3 months into the process of adopting a newborn domestically. Things are going slow as they're in no hurry, but they are getting more and more excited to add another one to their family.

Over the summer Rachel and Joey got involved in a voluntary foster program and had a 3 year old for 4.5 months. It was life changing in many ways. It was hard to let him go, but they are still open to having more foster children in their lives and are praying about the right situation for their family.

Have we always been so religious?

2009-02-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

I used to be pretty religious. I grew up in a Lutheran church and would go every Sunday. I even taught Sunday school in my later high school days. When I went to college I fell away from church and have not really gone back. Every once in a while I go but it is not something I do on a regular basis. I struggle with trying to come to place in my life to know God and become a better person.

I guess my question would be have you both always been as religious as what you are now? If not, how did you come to know God the way you do?

Thanks so much.

Melissa’s answer:

I have been married to my husband, Bill for almost 11 years. However, the word marriage does not at ALL communicate with anyone what he means to me. In fact, to some people, it could communicate being bored, being unhappy, being bound to someone for the rest of my life.

However, I am sooo, head over heels, in love with him. I want to live my entire life knowing him better. I want to spend every minute of the day figuring out how to be better to him. How to serve him (b.c I love him…not b.c he asks me too). So, even though marriage fits our situation, I desperately want people to know that there is MORE to us than “just being married”

Well, it’s the exact same thing with my relationship with Christ. I could just copy and past the above paragraph to fit my relationship with Him!

I am sooo, head over heels, in love with him. I want to live my entire life knowing him better. I want to spend every minute of the day figuring out how to be better to him. How to serve him (b.c I love him…not b.c he asks me too).

All this to say that I actually don’t consider myself “religious”. I don’t feel at all that it communicates the desire and love and joy I experience from knowing Christ.

My relationship with Christ is NOT about rules (which religion often is). In fact, Christ broke ALL “the rules” when he was on earth. He taught us to love those who hate you and to take care of those who have nothing and to treat everyone equally…..not at all the rules implemented in those days.

However, I have not always been in love with Christ.
In fact, I use to be quite bored with the thought of anything “God related”.
I loved youth group b.c there were cute boys there
I liked church outings b.c there were cute boys there
I even liked being in the church choir at one point….b.c there were cute boys there
I have known OF Him all my life.
I have attended church all my life.
But, I didn’t always love him.

When I had been married a little over a year, things were realllly hard. I was not enjoying married life. I was not liking myself. I was pretty much just unhappy.

It was thru this time that I started to ask God to HELP me love him. To HELP me want to spend time with Him. To show himself to me in a way that I could understand.

Just a warning to you…when you ask these things of God….HE COMES THROUGH!! He completely has swept me off my feet. I LITERALLY can not live without Him.

I don’t just mean that I don’t WANT to…I mean I CANT. If I am on vacation and spend very little time with Him, I start to crumble apart.

HE is my life force….and it all started just by asking him to help me to know Him a little bit.

Don’t feel like you have to say certain things when you are talking to him, or act a certain way or be a certain person.

He ADORES you. He created you. And He will turn your life upside down if you just ask!!

Rachel’s Answer:
Thank you for your question. I love these kinds of questions the most.

First I want to address the question about if I’ve always been “religious”. The answer is no, I haven’t, and no I’m not. Religion is a following of traditions and rules, that’s my definition of it. I’m not religious. When people ask me what denomination I am I say, “Christian” and then I get a puzzled look.

Growing up we went to a covenant church, then moved and went to a Presbyterian, then moved and went to a Methodist, then in college I went to a Presbyterian again, got married and went to a Baptist church, now we’ve moved again and Joey and I go to a Methodist church. My dad is currently on staff at a Lutheran church. J How’s that for crazy?

I follow Christ. As long as we find a church we feel follows his teachings, we don’t care what denomination it is. So I can’t claim to be terribly religious, but I can say I am a person of faith

But even so, I have not always been so faithful.

I grew up in a very wonderful home, filled with Christians. My parents are amazing and they have always been strong believers. Faith was NEVER pushed on us, but they raised us with a great understanding of God and His love for us and they prayed we’d choose him for ourselves.

When I was 10, we moved to a suburb of Memphis TN. I started getting into things that a middle school girl shouldn’t even be exposed to and I used church as just another social network. I remember kissing boys (or more) in the back of the van on the way to a church camp.

When I was 14 I was pretty much ignoring God. I never doubted his existence, I just doubted that He cared about me and I didn’t feel the need to care about Him. To me, we just didn’t connect and I was ok with that. He had his world and I had mine.

The summer before I was going into 9^th grade I found out I was moving back to MN with my family. It was awful; I had everything going for me in my current school. I had a ton of popular friends, I knew lots of boys in the HS were waiting for me to come to their school so they could date me and I was on the Pom squad. We wore tiny little sexy outfits so the boys could gawk. I had it all.

Then something crazy happened. I was about to break up with a boyfriend, but he beat me to the punch (don’t you hate it when that happens?). I was pretty sad he broke up with me and as the weekend was approaching I didn’t have any plans. However, I found out all of my friends had planned to go to a movie without me. They all made up different lies about where they would be so I wouldn’t know. The reason they did this was because they wanted to set my ex boyfriend up with a girl in the group and of course I couldn’t be there.

When I found out I was humiliated. I felt like I fell from the throne, and suddenly my very secure place in life seemed anything BUT secure.

My mom arranged a “date” with another mom/daughter from our church to go to the mall. The daughter was my age but she went to a different school. Even though I didn’t know her I could guarantee she wasn’t drinking and messing around with guys. She was a “good” girl.

I realized that in comparing myself to her, I wasn’t that girl anymore. I had slipped so far from the person my parents raised me to be, that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Not only that, my place in life was up in the air. Was I still in this group of friends? What would happen if this friend ended up dating my boyfriend? Everything was a mess and I realized how empty I was.

Everything that mattered to me was taken away in an instance and that left me a nobody. And I felt so alone.

I went to a younglife camp just a few weeks later with all the so-called friends. We had a good time, but I spent a lot of my time with one of my leaders. She was in college and she was so cool. She reminded me so much of my sister who had moved 1000 miles away over a year earlier.

She talked a lot about her relationship with God and how important it was to her. I could hardly grasp what she meant by that, but I knew one thing: she seemed HAPPY. Not because she had a boyfriend, or great friends or great clothes… but because she had something more. Something I knew I was missing.

I wanted with everything in me to be like her. To have her complete sense of freedom from the pressures of life, to have such joy and contentment in the heart.

That week I listened to the speaker at camp talk about how each of us is so unworthy of God, the one who created us, because we have sin in our life. This struck such a nerve with me. I was unworthy, so very unworthy. I was ashamed of who I was to my parents, how could I ever face my maker?

The next night the speaker told us about what Jesus had done for us.

That he had come down to earth, left his throne to be spit on and mocked and abused, all for US. He was a KING and he left everything to walk in our shoes. Then he paid the ultimate sacrifice. He died on the cross, one that was made for thieves and he had done NOTHING WRONG. But while HE didn’t do anything wrong, I HAD! And you had and your neighbor and my neighbor.

Every person who’s ever walked this earth, aside from Jesus, has committed sins. Sin after sin after sin. And Jesus died on the cross and took on ALL OF OUR SINS. Every single thing I’ve ever done wrong, and will ever do wrong. Even my little Brighton’s sins were paid for on that cross, and he hasn’t even committed any yet!! But he will. I can say that with certainty.

I have to be honest with you. Now that I’m a mom, I’m not sure there’s one single person I could give the life of my child for. He is so important to me, that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even imagine entertaining the idea. It’s beyond my comprehension.

But God did that. He watched his son die on a cross and go from completely perfect to carrying the weight of the world. God couldn’t even look at his son; he was forced to turn his back. In the end of Jesus’ crucifixion he called out to God asking, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!”

God couldn’t even look at his own son because of the sins we committed.
And then he died.
For me.
For you.
And for all who don’t even believe in him.

And that I can’t ignore. I can’t walk away from that. I could never do enough to repay him, but the beauty is I don’t have to! He did it for free, for us.

I’m sure you know that just 3 days later Jesus was able to rise from the dead and he was pure and clean and cleansed of our sins. He walked around the earth for a few more months before going back to his place in heaven.

But all that he went through, and the sacrifice God made… even at 14 I just knew that I had fallen in love and couldn’t walk away.

I wrote in my journal that night at 14 years old “God I am yours. I don’t know what that means or how my life has changed, but I am yours and I feel the change inside me.”

I moved that summer and I have never been the same since. God has shown himself to me over and over again in ways I can’t deny. And each time I’m still in awe of that fact that he CHOSE ME.

So to answer your question, I haven’t always been this way, but from the moment it became real to me, I haven’t ever been the same.

If you haven’t ever done this, I urge you to speak to God. Tell him your fears, your concerns, but tell him you WANT TO KNOW HIM MORE. He will respond. In some way you will hear him. And it will be good.

How to tell an infertile family member I'm pregnant.

2009-01-28T07:21:00.000-08:00

I'm wondering if you can provide any suggestions for how I can approach the following situation:

This past weekend I found out that my husband and I are expecting our first child. We are very excited and feeling very blessed (and surprised!) since this was our first month "trying." We were definitely not expecting it to happen this quickly, though we were also prepared for the possibility.

My sister-in-law (DH's sister) and her husband have been TTC for over a year. In early December she told me that her doctor is going to start her on Clomid and has reason to have high hopes that it will be successful soon. We're having trouble deciding what would be the best way to tell SIL that we're pregnant. I am very sensitive to how this will affect her and want it be as gentle as possible. We were planning to wait until 8 weeks or so to tell family, but don't know if it would be better to tell her sooner? They live out of state, so would it be better to tell her in person or over the phone so she has time to process it before we see them? I know she had a very difficult time dealing with the pregnancy of her other sister-in-law so am very aware that she could take this badly. I sincerely hope that she is able to get pregnant very soon and would be ecstatic if she tells us they're expecting before we get a chance to tell them!

Melissa's answer:
Your situation hits extremely close to home as this is where I was at almost 2 years ago. I found out I was pregnant with my FOURTH before Rachel had gotten pregnant with her first. She had told me a few months before this that if this situation were to happen, it would be the worst thing that could happen to her….

The mixture of joy and grief flooded me as my assuming turned to knowing when I saw the positive pregnancy test.

Here is how I handled the situation. To be honest with you, I have not asked Rachel if I could have handled it better…she may be able to add some other things.

First of all I prayed. Prayed prayed prayed. Mostly for Rachel. But, I also had to pray that I could be ok with the fact that I was pregnant. That I HADN’T done anything wrong by getting pregnant when she couldn’t (b.c this is the lie that kept nipping at me).

Then I asked a few select people to join me in prayer for her.

For me, I needed to tell her in person. I just knew it would be the best way…however, I KNEW (I have no doubt God warned me of this to ease the hurt on my side) that Rachel would ask me to leave after I told her. (she actually left the room and after awhile asked Joey to ask me to leave)

I will be honest that when I left I REALLY battled for a few minutes with anger….anger that she could be SO devastated by my news when this exact news for herself was exactly what she was grieving for. But, then….I just had sadness. For her. For me. For my baby. I prayed the whole way home (about a 40 minute drive). By the time I was home, I was tear soaked and heavy hearted…but I also felt hope. Somehow, I KNEW that where we were at that moment would not be where we would always be.

The next day Rachel wrote a very raw post on her blog…about how sad she was, how she couldn’t even believe she woke up. That the worst thing in the world had happened the night before….etc.

As you can imagine, this TORE my heart out. I was shaking as I read it. BUT, I can be totally honest when I say I was NOT angry. Just sad. We didn’t talk (except thru email in regards to work only) for 2 days (or almost 2…I can’t remember) and the entire time I prayed for her and spoke to my baby. I told him that he was soo loved and sooo wanted. =) (I had to do that…for my sake!)

Our story turned out wonderful as God was COMPLETELY involved on both ends…and as much as he gave me a grace for Rachel while she processed my baby’s life; He gave her a miraculous healing. Now, on my end I was still extremely cautious of what I said to her about my baby…but we WERE ok.

So, to start over:

-PRAY for her and you. Pray that her heart is protected and yours is FULL of grace

-Have others praying for both of you

-Don’t expect her to be happy or ok

-Expect her to need her space…and be ok with that

-DON’T feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong by being pregnant

-Be tender

I will be praying for you! Please keep us posted as to how the next few weeks/months go for you.

Rachel's answer:

First I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry that you even have to prepare yourself to deliver “bad news” to someone that should only be taken as good news. Being on this side of infertility, it pains me to think how badly I received pregnancy announcements from those I loved the most. And I feel I need to say on behalf of infertile women, I am sorry. We don’t mean to make this hard on you.

You’ve already read how my sister shared her pregnancy announcement with me. I can’t honestly say that’s my recommendation. I only wanted to hear something like this over email. So no one had to see my face, or hear my voice and know I was pained. However an email from my sister probably wouldn’t have been that great either and I think in our case, she handled it perfectly. But I can’t really say I think you should tell her in person.

However, if you feel that an email wouldn’t be the best way, I would suggest your husband talk to her husband (if they’re close enough). If not, then maybe your husband should tell his sister, over the phone.

If you’re planning on doing a group announcement, I beg you to tell her ahead of time. A few days or even weeks ahead of time. It’s not fair to lump them into that group as it will most likely ruin their day. And I’m sorry, I hate even writing that.

I know that this is the most joyous news you’ve ever gotten to give, and I am so excited for you. But I also know this will probably be the worst news she could receive this week (aside from a death). I can tell you that when I found out my sister was pregnant again (her second in the time we’d been trying), I wanted to die. If going to sleep and not waking up was an option, I wanted that option.

My heart felt broken and shattered and tramped on. Not by my sister, though unfortunately she was the vessel, just by infertility. And the unfairness of it all.

So as you go into this situation and you know she might “take it badly”, please be open minded to what she’s going through. The very thing you got to see on the first try, she has seen a negative for over 24 different times.

24, that’s a lot of months to get a negative test. And you never had to experience it (which is wonderful for you!!) but now she has something else to measure her loss against, each month she’s not pregnant, you’re 1 more month pregnant, and adorable, and closer to holding the very thing she wants so badly.

This is wonderful for you, and you should never feel otherwise, but I just hope you’ll truly take her feelings into consideration and let her grieve the way she needs.

This is not a fun situation, for either of you, and I’ll be praying for your relationship.

If you want to see my blog posting the day my sister told me she was pg go here
To see how God brought me full circle, just a few days later, go here

The ethics of IVF

2009-01-21T08:53:00.000-08:00

I am on Clomid at the moment and if that doesn't work our next option is IVF. I noted you went through IVF and I wondered what your personal experience was with dealing with the ethics of IVF as a Christian?

I am hesitant to go down that path even a little way, as I'm not sure my desire to have a baby wouldn't be too tempting, and cause me to push aside my concerns about the embryos we would create in the process and what to do with them if we have 'spares'.

I completely understand where you're coming from! We struggled with the situation as well. We knew we would do IVF, we just worried about getting too many embryos. We told ourselves up front we would give life (or try to) to any embryos we made. And we just prayed we would be wise about our decisions and God would be in complete control.

We got 20 eggs. Easily that could have become 15-20 embryos. So we opted to only ICSI 12 and to let the other 8 try naturally (we have a sperm penetration issue so we knew we weren't going to get super lucky with all 8 fertilizing).

In the end we only got 4 embryos. Only 2 that made it to our 3 day transfer. So we had no frozen embryos.

But I have to be honest with you, when you hear how many embryos you have growing, there is an instant connection. They are your "children". So many women have said the same thing. You feel protective of them and you want the best for them. So I think it would be hard to disregard them, unless that's your stance going into it.

But for us no matter how hard pregnancy would be or how much it would cost, we promised we would give a fighting chance to any embryos we created. My husband and I believe that once the egg and sperm meet, life has begun and that wasn't up to us to decide what to do with those precious lives we created. We could never have given the ok to destroy them. It just wasn't an option for us. And now that we have our baby and we look at him and remember where he started, I'm not quite sure how people could see it any other way.

So pray pray pray through the process that God will guide you and the entire process. We felt 20 eggs was just too much of a risk. Obviously it didn't turn out that way for us, but we couldn't have known that going into it.

And I wouldn't go into the situation without complete peace that it's what God wants for you!

Rachel

"My sister is pregnant.. HELP!"

2009-01-16T09:27:00.000-08:00

Question: I am not sure where to start or what really to ask, except thank you for sharing your thoughts....it seems to mirror exactly what my sister and I are going through right now.

My husband and I are struggling with infertility. My sister and husband are due soon. We have been trying for 2 years and they got pg right off the pill. They struggle with finances and we are fine.

I try very hard to be sincerely happy for them, and I am, however I can't seem to ask any questions. They just had an ultrasound and I do not want to see the pictures. I can't really ask any questions regarding the baby. I just don't know how to support her in my "fertility depression". My sister has expressed to me how difficult it is to ask or not ask about me. But also what she should say or not say regarding the baby. How did you two get through it?

The other hard thing is...... I really struggle with the baby's arrival date. I really don't want to be there b/c it will remind me/us of the fact that we can't have a baby right now. How sad is that? I do ask for God's help. Did you two live close to each other?

My final question is... how did your parents handle the delicate situation?

This one’s just from Rachel:

First off I’m so sorry that you have to have a situation so close to home that makes you ache. It was hard to deal with friends getting pregnant, but having my sister, my very best friend be pregnant was the hardest. Mostly because I hated who infertility made me, and I hated that I couldn’t be the sister I wanted to be for her. And I feared what it would do to our relationship. (But praise God he only made it stronger in the end!)

As far as asking her questions about her pregnancy, I’ve written about this more in detail in the post below, but try to ask what you can when you can. I found the few times I could step out of my selfishness to ask about a person I loved about what they were going through, was very healing for me. But if you can’t ever, then just pray your sister won’t hold it against you and she’ll forgive you.

I do believe there are times you need to protect your heart and take care of yourself. But I also know that you going through this is much harder on your family than you probably even know. It feels like it only hurts us, the childless one, but that’s not always the case. So try to open up to them and include them when you can. Even if it’s hard.

Also, while I’m sure she would love to share this time with you, I would also guess she sees where you’re coming from.

If this is your first niece/nephew, you probably don’t know yet what it feels like to be an aunt. But when my sister first had a baby, I felt like I had a baby!! Her kids felt so much like mine I didn’t know how to leave them at night to go home! So that was one thing I could carry with me through her pregnancies, no matter how much seeing her pregnant hurt, I KNEW without a doubt I would love her baby like he was mine. And I have! Every single one of them!

So as the due date comes, and you’re still struggling, try to hold on to the hope that your love for this baby will help take some of that pain away. I obviously can’t promise that, but it’s what happened for me. And I’ll be praying the same will happen for you.

About the financial aspect. I feel it necessary to touch on this statement. For years and years I judged my sister and their financial decisions. I always felt my husband and I made better decisions and because of that we had more money. And because we had more money we deserved to be the ones procreating, not them!

But the truth is weather I was right or wrong (and I of course was wrong in my thinking) it’s NEVER our place to judge each other. End of story. I had to remind myself of that time and time again. So the very fact that you mentioned it, leads me to believe you’re struggling with it. But the truth is, unless they need your help to survive financially, it’s really none of your business and certainly not your place to judge. I don’t in any way mean that to sound harsh! I’m simply telling you the things I had to tell myself in order to move past being in that judgmental place towards them and their finances.

And the truth is my sister and her husband had A LOT of unfortunate things happen to them that caused them to be in a different place financially. And my husband and I seemed to be blessed over and over in that department. So while we had plenty of money (emphasize HAD, we no longer do!J), we were infertile, but they were lacking in money (also emphasize were, they’re no longer in the same position) they had plenty of kids. So we both struggled with each other in those areas.

About being at the hospital or not. If you simply can’t be there then don’t be there. HOWEVER just remember that you will most likely want your sister there for you in all aspects when you finally are able to have a baby of your own. And sometimes it’s more important to put aside our selfishness for other people and for the good of a relationship.

I’m not telling you what to do, and I can’t possibly know what’s best in your relationship, but I do know that as much as infertility feels like “it’s all about us”. It’s not. Life still goes on for other people (as much as this hurts us!), and this is a joyous time in your sister’s life. And if you two are close like my sister and I are, no matter how much pain I was in, I wasn’t willing to let infertility and my own hurts come between us.

(Also, to answer the question, my sister and I lived about 40 minutes apart and saw each other usually once a week, if not more and spoke usually 5-20 times a day! lol..)

Also as your sister’s due date is coming up, please remember being a new mom might not be perfect for her as it is in our “fairy tales”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing, but it’s not always easy. For instance, she might struggle with PPD, or the baby blues, or just being overwhelmed. I encourage you to pray about having Grace for her through those things if she experiences them.

As someone who desperately wants to have a baby it’s easy to say and feel that others don’t have any right to complain, about anything, as long as they have a baby. But the truth is - being a new mom is hard and dealing with those hormones are yucky, and she might need you to be there for her, and if she does and you’re willing, you’ll need A LOT of Grace to be with her through that time.

As for the final question on how our families dealt with the situation, our mom has typed up something for you.

Your question is “how did we handle the delicate situation?” I’m not sure exactly what you are asking so I may not give you what you’re looking for but I will share as honestly as I can. You do sound like you are really trying to work through this and I hope your sister is too.

We truly believed God was in what was happening in Rachel and Joey’s life. That gave us hope that no matter what - it would be ok in the end. It wasn’t easy to watch and we had no idea how long they would have to wait but we also believed that no matter what they would have a child someday. No one was sick and no one was dying. We had a lot to be grateful for and we were.

It was however very difficult to watch Rachel’s struggle, affect her relationship with family members. Melissa had incredible unconditional love for her sister and without that I’m not sure where their relationship would be today. I know that love was a direct result from her going to God time and time again for the grace she needed to understand not so much what Rachel was going thru but how she was going through it.

We knew how Melissa felt and she accepted our support but Rachel didn’t seem to want that from us. She seemed to accept support from other “infertiles” as she would refer to other childless women and this hurt us. She was our child – the very thing she wanted in life – is what she was to us and yet she could not seem to accept our support. It was as if anyone going thru infertility automatically became her friend and we felt like we were on the outside. We did however have faith in Rachel and we believed she would allow God to work in her life to give her peace some day and she did.

I hope you continue to go to God with your hurts and fears and little by little trust that He will meet all your needs.

Barb

2008-12-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

As a Christian who is struggling with infertility, I sometimes feel lost/overwhelmed in my prayers and devotions with God (not saying the right things, being redundant, not reading the most relevant verses, etc.).

For both sides, are there specific prayers you said (or still say), devotions and/or bible verses/passages that you read to help each of you through your journey? I'm eager to hear Rachel's answer as it relates the most to our situation; however I also know that Melissa's responses will be helpful as well.

Rachels Answer:

I can totally understand how you feel. There were times I was so miserably upset ALL I COULD DO was wail out to God and beg for my pain to be done.

I know it sounds silly and a bit mellow dramatic, but it’s true. Through my sobs of tears I would just beg God to make it better, in someway, shape or form. Sometimes that’s ALL I could get out. Just a few measly words. But short or long in prayer, he HEARS us.

Other times I would find songs that I could really relate to. Songs that seems to help me stand stronger. For instance “Stand in the rain” by Superchick was a HUGE one for me. You should hear it if you haven’t. I felt like it was written for me. It seemed to give me strength through the pain.

“Blessed be your name” by Matt Redman was one that every time we sang it in church I would just break down and praise God. It just spoke to me.

Another was “praise you in this storm” by Casting Crowns.

For me I feel that God speaks to me through music. I often feel a connection to God when listening to music. Sometimes the quietness of life distracts me, my mind tends to wander, so sometimes having songs in the background would help me focus. I’m not really sure why.

Often times when I would blog, I would listen to a song that would seem to give me strength, well not the song, but God using the song.

As for verses I have TONS that I have pulled out for you. But one of the main ones that helped me was this one:

“Be Strong and take heart and wait for the LORD” Psalm 27.14. I have it on a plaque on my desk where I could see it every day. It was a constant reminder that this wasn’t a “fair/unfair” game. It wasn’t a game at all, I was simply waiting for God’s good and perfect timing.

And you know what? Now that my baby is here, I can see so many reasons why THIS is the perfect timing. I know that doesn’t make your current pain more bearable, but I truly believe you’ll look back one day and be able to say the same thing.

Ironically I never really paid attention to the first half of that verse which is NOW a great verse for this season in my life “I would have despaired had I not believed in the goodness of the LORD”.

It’s so true. If I hadn’t had God, what would I have had? Just bitterness and misery. With my faith, at least I had hope and a promise that I could be secure in. EVEN though I still had pain.

Another quote that I often came back to was by C.S. Lewis:

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

In life there is pain. But that does NOT MEAN God isn’t here. Sometimes I needed to separate out in my mind the difference between pain and doubting God’s plan for me.

Here are the verses I pulled out for you. Some maybe not seem relevant to you, but they all had some significance for me. And some I just needed to remind me that there was MORE TO LIFE than going through infertility.

Philippians 4:6 (New International Version)
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:13 (New International Version)
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

1 Timothy 1:15 (New International Version)
15Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.

Psalm 62
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.
1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Psalm 61
For the director of music. With stringed instruments. Of David.
1 Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
2 From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3 For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
4 I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

Psalm 119:36 (New International Version)
36 Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.

Psalm 119:50 (New International Version)
50 My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

1 Peter 2:24 (New International Version)
24He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

1 Peter 4:12-13 (New International Version)
12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

1 Peter 5:5b (New International Version)
All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."

Romans 2:1 (New International Version)

God's Righteous Judgment
1You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

Romans 4:20-21 (New International Version)
20Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

Romans 5:1-5 (New International Version)
Peace and Joy
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 8:18 (New International Version)
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Romans 14:8 (New International Version)
8If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Romans 15:13 (New International Version)
13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 2:20-21 (New International Version)
20I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

Ephesians 4
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:22-24 (New International Version)
22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Philippians 1:27 (New International Version)
27Whatever happens; conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel

Melissa's Answer:

Although I have not dealt with infertility, I have had my situations that have brought me to my knees. In tears, in anguish, in confusion and frustration, in fear and denial, in jealousy and bitterness. Through these times, when my mouth could not utter another single word in prayer, the thing God showed me was to sit.
Silently
In his presence

I can not even begin to express the healing power of silently sitting at his feet. Ready and willing to take whatever he will offer me b.c I know that what I have, what I am in living in at the moment will not do.

So, as you fight your way through this battle, please remember that even when you have nothing to give or anything to say…HE DOES.

Most of the verses I was going to share Rachel already has listed, but I have a few more:

James 1:2 Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trails of any kind b.c you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance

Philippians 3:8 In consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS, again I say…REJOICE!!

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, present your request to God. And the PEACE of God that TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus

(all emphasis is mine)

I have begun to know that peace of God…the one that makes NO SENSE what so ever to the human mind….and it started at sitting still in his presence.

Don't worry we're still here!

2008-12-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

We're so sorry we haven't posted and we have about 8 pending questions. Unfortunately the end of Rachel's pregnancy was a bit crazy and now her baby is here and we have just been a bit busy with life.

We ARE going to answer your questions and keep this blog up, we appreciate your patience!

Rachel & Melissa

Overcoming selfishness.

2008-10-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

How did you truly overcome your own selfishness so that you could actually be happy for your pregnant friends/relatives?

I'm afraid that my jealousness and own self pity is in reality making me not really happy for these people.

I find myself getting so anxious whenever I know I am going to be around one of my pg friends or family members.

Rachel’s answer:

How did I overcome my own selfishness? I didn’t. I’m sorry that’s not the answer you wanted to hear. But I didn’t “overcome” this while dealing with Infertility. It was a never ending battle that I faced every day. Each new announcement brought new trials, some were harder than others. But every time I had to fight through it because I wasn’t ok staying in that selfish place.

Why? Why didn’t I let myself stay in a selfish place?

There are many reasons. First and foremost, I believe that living in complete selfishness (no matter how much you might need it from time to time) but living there every day, day in and out with no plans/hopes of ever getting out, is sinful. God never intended us to dwell in that place. He WANTS us to move passed it. And he wants to be our source of strength.

Second, I believed that if I didn’t at least TRY to get away from complete selfishness, I was letting Infertility rule me. And I knew I was stronger than that, but more importantly I knew GOD was bigger than that and desired more for me.

And lastly, because I knew it would hurt relationships. The amount of time I spent there no doubt already did hurt friendships, but thankfully only temporarily.

So even though I initially answered I didn’t overcome it, I was always working towards that.

A very close friend of mine got pregnant last year and I needed a break. From her. No doubt that was REALLY hard for her, but I knew in my heart I was not in a place where I could talk to her every day and NOT ruin our friendship. I felt it was better to just take a break. So I asked her for that and she allowed it. I know that had to have hurt her, but I am grateful she was willing to push aside her own hurts and allow me the thing I needed.

As with every announcement, my first instinct was sadness, anger and bitterness. This stemmed from my own self pity. I was angry with our own situation. I was angry that I couldn’t be happy for people I loved and I was angry that they got pregnant when that’s all we wanted, for so long.

But I prayed, and I prayed and I prayed. I also had others praying for me. And eventually I would start to see the light again. Sometimes days later, sometimes months later, but it always came, even if for only a brief time.

When I did see that light, I would praise God for small steps in the right direction and I would ask my friend/family member about their pregnancy. It’s amazing what you can do in the power of light that darkness takes away from you. In the dark I could NEVER have brought myself to ask simple questions like “how are you feeling?” or “when are you due?” But when those small glimpses of light came out, I would power through and ask those questions.

Because that’s what a good friend does and I wanted desperately to be that person.

And then the darkness would often creep back over me and I couldn’t ask anything for a while.

It was a constant cycle. Some light, then dark, some light, then dark.

In those very rare times that I could truly set aside my own selfishness, I took advantage and showed my friend/family member that I did care.

I don’t know if it ever meant much, or even was noticeable to those around me, but I noticed it. And there is something so empowering about being able to push aside your own self pity and focus on someone else.

Even if those times are rare.

As far as spending time with pregnant friends... sometimes I avoided it if I could. Other times I just made frequent trips to the bathroom while with them (which sadly meant I was taking sob breaks).

If your friends know what you’re going through, I really encourage you to share with them that sometimes you might need to cancel plans with them, or need to not ask them about their pregnancy for a while.

I know I have amazing people in my life, but I always took that time to lay it out. And I was never once made to feel shameful for it.

And the times I did spend with a pregnant friend, you can be sure I went in with a lot of prayer. Because I knew that I had the potential to get nasty and angry and bitter. And I never wanted that. Prayer is a powerful thing. And without it, Satan feels the need (or even invitation) to make himself known. So pray against that! Rebuke Satan every chance you get.

As always, if I haven’t answered your question like you were hoping, please feel free to email me again.

Melissa’s answer:

Being pregnant two times while Rachel was trying caused us to deal with this exact situation in great depth. As much as she had to battle her selfishness, I had to battle mine too.

I, of course, had every “right” (there is that word again!) to talk about my baby, how I was feeling, what I was excited and anxious about.

Rachel asked me very specifically to NOT talk about these things with her. Was this an easy request to hear? Absolutely not. It was not my fault, after all, that she could not have a baby. It was not my fault that I could. So, why should I have to be “punished” so to speak?

Of course, these thoughts came into my head for about 5 minutes and then I started to attack them with prayer. I was NOT ok with staying there. I was not ok with putting my needs above Rachel’s.

Were her needs ok to ask of me? I have no idea…but that wasn’t the point. As Rachel said, living and staying in selfishness is NOT ok. So….I turned to God for his strength. His healing. His grace.

I loved Rachel too much to allow her “selfishness” to turn me to selfishness, thus causing a tear in our friendship. As hard as this situation was, I was very grateful that she was honest with me. It did our relationship much more good…no matter how hard it was to hear…than if she had just “pretended” all was ok.

From this “side” of things I have to say that it will probably not be easy for you to be around your pg friends. You will probably always get a bit of a knot in your stomach when you are. BUT, what will make it easier?

Start the process of handing over the selfishness to your Heavenly Father*
TELL your friend(s) how you are feeling. But make sure they know that you are not saying this to hurt them…but to protect your friendship.
And give them some time to digest what you are saying. It can not be expected that they will hear any of this and say “no problem!”…they will most likely need to process through it. Give them that space. AND PRAY

*If anyone who is reading this does not know the amazing love and security of Christ….please talk to us. If you are interested in letting him become your savior….please talk to us! If you just don’t understand and have questions about who he is…talk to us!! It is THRU him that we have come through this healthy, happy and stronger than ever.

How to deal when other's get pregnant.

2008-10-06T13:03:00.001-07:00

This is a great question:

I find it very difficult to wrap my head around people who just end up pregnant without trying. I understand that it happens but it just is so strange to me. So, how do you deal with friends that just end up pregnant? How do you deal with the idea of doing it once and having it work for them?

Secondly, if you can get over the fact that for some people this just happens, how do you make your friend comfortable with telling you that they are expecting? I feel like a lot of times, I get angry that this happens to my friends/family.

How do I not put pressure on my friends (that know we’re having trouble), to the point where they don’t feel comfortable even announcing their pregnancy to me?

How do we get over these hurtles?

Rachel's Answer:

First off I hated hearing about people who were trying to get pregnant. All I could think was “great another person who will be pg before me.” That’s the honest truth. I started to look at everyone around me as ticking time bombs... will that cousin get pg again before me? What about my newly married brother? Will I have a friend get pg before they even get married? How would I deal with that? I couldn’t be there for them…

EVERYONE WAS THE POTENTIAL ENEMY.

Harsh as it may seem, I so often felt that way. Each friend who helped me along the way would instantly jump to the “other side” the second she announced her pregnancy. And thus would begin yet another pregnancy to “deal with”.

I feel sick even writing this, because I HATE that I ever felt this way towards other people. And I pray that anyone close to me reading this will be protected against old wounds opening back up. I would never want to re-hurt anyone by sharing from my experience.

But that’s my intro!

To answer the question more specifically, I struggled A LOT with the fact that some people just got pregnant. When you break down all that has to go into an IVF cycle (or any cycle for that matter), all the obstacles the sperm have to go through, and then you add the bonus of misshapen/misguided/mismade/confused sperm to the issue… it seriously seems impossible that ANYONE could ever get pg.

And yet they do. And often. I had a really hard time wrapping my head around the basic scientific facts. What is so easy for 5/6 people in this world, was almost impossible for us. And that hurt. It seems SO SIMPLE. Why couldn’t our bodies do it right? We were clearly made for each other, so why didn’t we work?

What was worse was that I often compared my life to the said pregnantee. It was so easy for me to line up our perfect plan next to their plan and list the many many reasons why we should have been pregnant first, and not them.

But the cold hard truth is it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter who had more money in the bank or who had been married longer or who had been trying longer (or trying at all) because it was simple. Life doesn’t work that way.

I had to tell myself this over and over and over and over (and then over again). Life isn’t fair. It’s not how it works.

I refer back to my previous post about my realization that I deserve nothing I have in life. Many people deserve the husband I have, the family I have, the house I have, the life I have much more than me. And MANY people live through a lot crappier things than I have and they don’t deserve that either. So I just had to remind myself of that. Life doesn’t work like checks and balance. It’s not always fair and pretty.

So I stopped making the lists. They were only serving to drive me more insane and angry. And they could only hurt my relationships along the way.

As far as making my friends comfortable? Well I am NO expert on this subject. It’s by God’s grace alone that some very close people to me (including my sister) didn’t run for the hills after telling me they were pg.

I think of all the blogs I’ve ever read, I truly reacted the worst to pregnancy announcements. For me there wasn’t the “I’m happy for you, just sad for me”. I wasn’t happy, not for a LOOOONG time. A few people were the exception… but I general it took months of prayer and healing to move passed the anger I felt towards the whole rotten situation.

Because it wasn’t fair.

I didn’t hate my friends; I didn’t hate their baby’s or their pregnancy’s. I just hated all of it… the fact that I was infertile and they were not. And the fact that all I could think was angry thoughts while sobbing for days on end when they were experiencing the happiest time of their lives.

The fact that their joy caused me pain.

So how did I make them comfortable? I didn’t L I most likely made it worse. But I made it very clear to all my friends that if they got pg they were to tell me over email. I couldn’t handle face to face or phone conversations. I needed them to know that, so they didn’t have to try and figure out how to tell me.

And often after I’d find out someone was pg, I’d tell them exactly what I needed. I needed space, I needed time to heal. I needed their patience, I needed their forgiveness… I still needed their support.

It was all about me, me, me. And honestly looking back I don’t know how I could have done it any different. Even just thinking about it now makes me ache to the core. I remember so vividly the pain I went through with each announcement. And as much as I hated going through it, I hated that I put my friends through that.

So after I asked for space, or told them what I needed, I would slowly start asking them questions about their pregnancy. ONLY when I could, and only when I had it in me. But I’d made sure they knew I genuinely wanted to know and I genuinely cared. Those times were far and few, but I took extreme advantage of the times I could step out of my selfish shell and offer support to them. I only wish it had come more often.

I only had one openly struggle with me not being there for her when she had walked with me through so much.

The only thing I had to offer in explanation was I couldn’t justify my behavior, it was completely irrational and I hated it, but I had to protect myself the only way I knew how.

Was I right? I don’t know…. It’s so hard to know. But I continued to pray FERVEROUSLY that God would change my heart and change it fast, because that was my only ally.

If I did NOT answer your question, we can absolutely email more about this :-)

Melissa's Answer:

Being the person on the “other side” of this issue, I can not possibly tell you how to go about being there for your friends when it can hurt you so much.

However, one thing that I can say for sure, is no matter how easy of a time one of your friends or family members had in getting pregnant….they have their struggles. So, as hard as it is for you to watch them get pregnant, it may be that hard for them watching you in a happy marriage.

Or have, not only enough money to pay your bills, but also enough to go on vacations, or remodel your house.

Or, they may see you with your parents or siblings and grieve to the core that yours are still alive. Or in your life.

Or or or…..I obviously could go on and on.

One thing I DID struggle with in this journey is feeling like to Rachel, NONE of these things compared to her struggle. For me personally, finances have been a veeerrryyy hard thing for my husband and I (some our own doing…most not). It was SO hard to watch Rachel and Joey go on vacation after vacation amongst other things, but I knew that they had every right to do so. But, it was so hard when Rachel would say things or insinuate things such as “well, at least you have kids”. Her hurt and my hurt were not comparable…but that didn’t mean they weren’t both real. And I wondered, if her hurt was so bad, why did it make her ANGRY that I did not have to endure that same hurt? Would it be easier on her if I had had to struggle for years to get pregnant? I pray that she NEVER knows financial struggles the way we have.

I know full well that no matter what, you will hurt over the struggle to have a baby. I know full well that what I am about to suggest will NOT take that hurt away.

However, the more you can look at other people, the less your hurt will consume you. So, my encouragement would be that you look at each of these friends and family members…I mean REALLY look…and see what is in their lives that is hurting them…possibly to the point of consuming them. And, in doing this, reach out to them. Walk through their pain with them. It will make them walking through your pain with you much easier.

The core of where we're at now.

2008-10-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

Melissa's side:

The time Rachel told me about the despair she was feeling over her inability to have a baby will be etched into my memory forever.
We had just enjoyed a beautiful, sunny day at Waikiki Beach, HI and were now sitting in the grass outside the restaurant where we had shared a oober yummy meal.
It was dark and peaceful, the air was alive with Hawaiian music, the tiki torches lit and the breeze was soothing.
Our conversation was anything but. Although the day had been wonderful, we had wandered into a conversation that was laced with tension. I have no idea where it came from, but it was obvious. What was the conversation about? I can not even be sure. But suddenly, Rachel was bawling. Sobbing. Confessing that all they wanted was to have a baby and they had been trying for months and months to no avail.
I was shocked. I mean, I knew they were trying…but what did that mean? That they were just having sex! I had no idea that there were such emotions behind all the trying.
How did I not know she was feeling this way?
I told her that she had to share more of what she was feeling otherwise we had no idea what was going on.
That is all it took….a week later she had a blog and the emotions were uncontainable.

It helped in a lot of ways and was hard in more. She seemed so irrational and defensive and self focused and seemingly lacking in faith. How in the world, as her sister did I walk through this with her? I felt like I didn’t deserve so much of how she “treated me”.
Thus, my prayer journey for this situation began.

What I learned surprised me.
It turns out that really, I have no rights.
After all, Jesus, in all his glorious perfection gave up every single thing to take on all the sins of everyone who has ever lived just to die in our place. On the cross. For us. Just so we could know a life that was full of peace and joy and more extreme than anything ever imagined.
Surely I needed give up my rights.

What rights you may ask?
The rights to not have to feel bad about proceeding with my family.
The rights to not have to walk on eggshells regularly.
The rights to be able to talk about my pregnancies and children whenever and however I wanted.

It turned out that really, my only right was to take care of my sister. If she hurt me, I knew it was unintentional. And even if it was intentional, it did no good at all if I was hurtful and defensive back at her.

So this is what I began. Giving up my rights on her behalf.
Did I do this perfectly? No way
Did I do it alone? Absolutely not. It is purely and only through Gods grace that I was able to do this at all

As I share my side of the story, you must know that the only reason I am here now, without so much as a grudge or a hurt is b.c of God and all his wonderful willingness to give me the ability to let go of all I thought I deserved.

Rachel’s side:

There are some 800 things God taught me through my IF struggles. I don’t mean that as an exaggeration in anyway. I don’t even think I could make a list of all the things he taught me, because it’s too vast.

As I sit here blissfully 32 weeks pregnant, I am clearly on the other side of IF. But everything I experienced can be brought back to the tip of my heart and bring tears to my eyes in a moments notice. So just know that while I may not be in the heart of IF anymore, I will speak as real and honest as I can about what I experienced through those 30 months. Some of it will be good and some of it will be yucky, dark and dirty bad.

But it will be truth. That’s a promise.

The single greatest thing I have learned is that in life, I have no rights. As a Christian, I am taught this in the bible, that in Christ we have no rights. But before IF I had never even once come close to actually grasping this concept.

We currently go to an amazing church where every Sunday at some point in the service I hear God speak to my heart so intensely that I am usually brought to tears. Once upon a time I cried in church because of my ache. Now my tears are for something else completely.

Recently during church as I was taking communion, God was showing me over and over all the things in my life that I could easily take claim over: my house, my clothes, my dog, my husband, my baby, my family, my friends, my career. And then I was reminded that I deserve nothing. Not one single thing in my life do I deserve.

And yet God gave me everything. EVERYTHING he had. His son. He couldn’t have given us any more, because that was the ultimate sacrifice.

::Cue weeping::

It was at this point that I realized the single greatest thing I have learned through this process is that I have no rights. I didn’t deserve this baby. I don’t deserve my Savior. I don’t deserve my life.

So please know that as I am about to share with you through questions and answers how I dealt with certain things in my IF (some I am proud of, others I am not)…in the end, I have reached this conclusion. And it is a beautiful place to be. By getting here, the picture is so much clearer and the view, so much more Grande.

I love Ephesians 4:22-24, this is the message version:

“Since you have heard all about him and have learned the truth that is in Jesus, throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life, which is rotten through and through, full of lust and deception. Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. You must display a new nature because you are a new person, created in God’s likeness-righteous, holy, and true.”

Intro. What the heck is this blog?

2008-10-02T19:39:00.001-07:00

We are two sisters. Rachel and Melissa.

We are fertile vs infertile.

We are also best friends, business partners and Christian women.

We struggled through this battle together, and sometimes apart.

A little more about us:

Melissa is extremely fertile, she has had five beautiful children within 7 years. Rachel comes from a considerably less fertile marriage. Though currently the mom of 1 amazing little boy, it took 30 months, two failed adoptions and InVitro Fertilization for that dream to come true.

You can imagine the hardships we faced as Rachel went through Infertility and Melissa had to watch and support. And as Rachel had to watch Melissa have baby after baby when that was all she desired.

It was hard. A LOT. For BOTH OF US.

If you're dealing with IF or you have a loved one who is, this is going to be a blog for you. We're going to share from both sides on how we felt about certain things. How we dealt with those things, and how through prayer and love we conquered those things.

This is a question and answer blog. Anytime you have a question, please email us at missandrae@ymail.com and we will write the question and answer here (without using names).

Please know that we will always consult each other on our posts/answers and will work together through prayer as we write this blog.

*updated 4/2010*